New Gadgets, New Doctors

And so another week passes without an update. Is it my sleeping till 2pm or my blatant disregard to give any details on what I'm doing? No, it's quite simply that I forget to update and my updates are normally very long and take me a long time to write thanks to the worsening condition of my hands. Anyway, some updates this week, some good some bad, so I'll start with the geeky stuff and my impressions!

I'll start with Apple's September 1 "media" keynote. Well, I love when September comes round because it means new iPods and we get to see what those magicians down at 1 Infinite Loop have been up to. I was both excited and disappointed by this keynote for several reasons. First, the iPod Classic is stagnating, it's been the same way now for a couple of years, but it looks like Apple don't want to kill it off. Everyone knows that the iPod touch is "where it's at" now, because lets be honest, most people either have small media libraries, or aren't really bothered about carrying all their music about. My music library weighs in at just under 10gb at the moment, because I tend to rotate things and have alternating favourite songs. This generally means that any iPod over 8gb is fine for me.

Anyway, the new releases!

iPod Shuffle: What the 3rd generation should've been, none of this buttonless crap with the controls in the headphones. However, with the 4th generation shuffle, the device now has a slight flaw. It has a clip like gen 2 and gen 3 have, but with the gen 4 you have to be very careful not to press the buttons when opening the clip! A slight oversight, but I can't really see Apple going back to the gen 2 design and neither can Apple, it seems. The best thing Apple could do, is bring back the gen 2 with upgraded parts, give it kinetic recharging, million hours battery life, etc, but that to me is logical. Of course people would complain that the design was stagnating, which is what happened with the Macbook Pro.

iPod Nano: What is this, I don't even... Everyone in my family including me has owned an iPod nano, they are quintessentially the backbone of the iPod line up, the one everyone owns, the one that's priced to such a point that it's perfect for anyone. Now what, it's 10% bigger than the shuffle and has a touchscreen? It's like a watch without a strap, using some impossible technology. How have they managed to fit all that stuff inside there?! Anyway, the touch controls seem to be quite fiddly and you can't use the screen and read it at the same time! At least I couldn't, my fingers would take up the entire screen! They've also removed a lot of features from it too, it can't play video or take video or voice memos, it's almost like a stopgap between the shuffle and the touch.

iPod touch: The best of the iPod releases this time round, but still with heavy flaws. It's thinner, which isn't necessarily a good thing because they've added a camera. The cameras (as there's one on the front too) aren't great, the rear 'main' still/video camera is 0.7 megapixel, that's 960x720 resolution, which is fine for video, but abysmal for still images. Anyway, ignoring the camera, the tech inside is basically everything from the iPhone 4, high density display, Apple's 800mhz "A4" chip (rather than the 1ghz beast from the iPad) as well as the controversial 512mb of ram. I say controversial because the iPad only shipped with 256mb and in some cases really needs that little bit more, but I'll get to that.

iTunes 10: Nothing new here really, except adding of a social networking thingy called Ping, a new icon, screwing around with traffic light buttons (on the Mac anyway) and a lovely new 'hybrid' view which I adore. The icon seems vulgar at first (every design particle in me went "ohgodwhatthefuckisthat" when I saw it on the keynote) but it does, rather unfavourably, grow on you. One thing I've noticed, is that once I put the buttons back to where they should be the speed almost doubled! Don't get me wrong though, iTunes 10 is fast, very fast, but if you put the buttons back to horizontal it doubles in speed. Madness. Anyway, I like iTunes 10, it does it's job with little input from me.

AppleTV: Here we go. I've wanted an AppleTV since they were first announced, being able to have access to my entire house's iTunes libraries from my TV and being able to rent movies on the fly sounds awesome. Now this new model can only stream and rent, but to be honest, that's all I'd use it for anyway. Why would I want to sync it when it's just a 'bridge' to watch stuff I have on my Mac on my TV? Anyway, it was announced at $99 and I nearly had a heart attack, as it means that (according to normal Apple rules) it'd be about £59-69 in the UK. I eagerly waited for the store to come back up so I could preorder one. Then, when the store came back up, it was £99. What? What, £99? That can't be right. Oh, but it was, nearly twice the price, £30-40 above what I was expecting. My excitement died pretty damn fast I can tell you.

But I still preordered one.

Now on to doctors and music and other junk like that. I went to see my GP as my sick leave is about to 'run out' and he gave me an extension of 3 weeks. 3 weeks. My main issue with work is fatigue and physical injuries I get from working, but my GP seems to focus on the mental issues which have only recently come to light. Fine, I'm not quite straight in the head and if that was the only problem then yes, maybe working would be a benefit, but with my Ehlers-Danlos, it's really not. From not working, I've managed to lose 11lbs/5kg and I've been off just over 2 months now. I've done next to no exercise, but I've been learning to pace myself in other ways, but even that was just glossed over. Suffice to say, I'm seeing another GP next week, who is a little more understanding with this. I might ask her if she's willing to take me on as her patient, but at the same time I'm not sure, because I like my GP, he's a nice person.

I feel quite sad that through all the support he usually gives, when I need him the most (seeing as I start Balance for Life next week and have Stanmore coming up at the end of October) I can't be working and going to these medical treatments, I can barely cope with working on it's own! Since I haven't been working, I've had more of a social life, I've lived at my own pace and I've been trying as hard as possible to enjoy my life. The only problem I have now, is that I'm noticing every time I get excited (or 'manic') and I try with all my being to stop it and that's not good, I need help with it, so hopefully this other doctor will be more willing to help.

As I said, I'll be starting Balance for Life next week, which is basically a 12 week gym membership to help me with my core fitness and to get me into a routine of gentle exercise that I can manage and maintain on my own. Unfortunately, such as my condition is at the moment, I think all I'll be able to do is swim, but if I'm given somewhere I can do that under guidance then I'll thrive from it.

Epic Citadel indeed!

Now on to games and other stuff! At the Apple media keynote, they had the chairman of Epic Games doing a quick demo of something called "Project Sword" which is essentially going to be Oblivion, but on the iPhone/iPad and it looks insane. They also announced that a quick tech demo of it, called Epic Citadel, would be on the App Store. OMFG is all you can use to describe it, really. I've stuck a screenshot from my iPad to the side there, so you can see what I mean. It also has two built in control schemes, you can tap to move with finger panning to look about, or you can use the two joysticks as you would a normal iOS first-person shooter. Stunning.

I've also been getting into a lot of new music lately, thanks to Myriam retweeting a youtube video, I found out about the Vitamin String Quartet and I'm quite addicted to their covers of Lady Gaga songs, they're simply breathtaking to listen to. I've also been hitting up a lot of chiptune music (although I always seem to go back to Anamanaguchi) and oddly enough Metric and Beck. There seems to be a common theme with this music though, it's all related to Scott Pilgrim and I think through the comics and the film I've come to find out about and love quite a lot of things and I'm ever thankful for that. I still haven't managed to get Myriam to read the comics yet, but she will, eventually!

Some shout outs now, to Haz and Nik who both made an epic journey yesterday to Seattle so they could attend PAX Prime. I hope it's going ok guys and I hope you're having fun sharing that bed in the hotel room, haha! Most of my friends are abroad at the moment, Heather is in Tenerife, Myriam of course lives in America and as mentioned, Haz and Nik are also in America (although the other side of the country from M). Luckily I still have some friends here, but it just seems a bit lonely without my most important ones, you know? Plus I want to go and see Scott Pilgrim vs the World again, with Nicky, but he has a lot going on at the moment and it's understandable that he either doesn't want to or can't go. I wish I could've gone to PAX, but I'd have insisted on Myriam coming too.

Well, there's another update until the next one (whenever that'll be) but seeing as this one is quite long, it should give my 2/3 readers at least a couple of days reading...

Mrfplegrablahgle...

Bah, why do I feel ill today? I had a shitty nights sleep and gave up at about 9:30. I had a brilliant evening last night, seeing my favourite film for the second time. I'm so pleased that I now have a favourite film, as I've never been able to decide! I can't wait for it to come out on DVD/whatever 'cause then I can watch it whenever I want!

This morning I am expecting my copy of Mafia II from Amazon, I have my "Vegas Pack" preorder code, but it's pretty useless without the game! I did however get my wandering t-shirt, I was worried that it wouldn't actually arrive! It's another Scott Pilgrim one, but it's yellow (muted rather than "omfgyellow" which is a lot nicer than I was expecting!) it's just a shame it wasn't here for yesterday!

I'm going to have a "day off" today, I'm going to "request" that some bacon is cooked, get it coated in BBQ sauce and slapped between bread - screw vegan psychic powers, bacon sandwiches are much more win. Mmm, there's only one way to improve a bacon sandwich and that's lots of pickles. Or making two and giving one to Myriam!

Back to my crap night, I really missed Myriam last night, every time I woke up I expected her to be there next to me, it was awful realising that she wasn't. I ended up taking a second lot of painkillers at 5am this morning and eventually getting to sleep, I can't stand this, bleh. I think I need a new mattress, but that can wait!

I might do some more to my pixel village/city thing that I'm making, I want to make a hospital, but it'll need to be HUGE and I don't really know where to start! Gonna have a day off from life today, I don't feel very well, and I've done too much this week by watching Scott Pilgrim twice (but it was totally worth it!)

It's All a Blur...!

I'm feeling extremely overhyper at the moment, to the point where my mind is racing but I have no idea where it's going or what it's trying to achieve. It's an incredibly irritating feeling because I have literally no control over what my mind is doing. Myriam suggested a couple of things to try and calm myself down, such as writing or doodling and I'll be doing both - the first one now, obviously! Hopefully it'll make me feel a bit better as I hate feeling like this and it makes me seriously irritable.

Yesterday was a very odd day, I bugged mum about going up town so I could get some orange juice and we ended up going pretty much everywhere. I was completely exhausted by the end of it, and the supermarket didn't have the orange juice I wanted (it was supposed to be on offer this week, but they had none) so I got a better one instead. I also picked up a new shampoo and conditioner (timotei), they're really nice and have pearl extract, rose oil and raspberry vinegar in them. I got the new shampoo and conditioner because Head and Shoulders was making my head itch and burn and it turned my hair greasy after a few hours! I also got a few more cuddly toys to boost my collection, haha!

I was also really excited yesterday because my Scott Pilgrim "Baseball Bat" t-shirt turned up and it's awesome! I'm almost down to a 'large' from XXL which is incredible, as it opens up a world of branded t-shirts I can now wear, hahaha! I was also eagerly anticipating the release of Anamanaguchi's Scott Pilgrim vs the World: The Game Original Soundtrack, however, it seems that it won't be coming out in the UK (not for a while at least). I tried pretty much everything I could think of (ordering from Amazon.com's MP3 store, my US iTunes account, etc) but nothing would accept a uk based payment (not even PayPal!) Luckily, Myriam is an American ninja Amazon girl and bought the album for me (I sent her the money over PayPal) and thanks to my iDisk, I had a copy of the album! Phew. It's a fantastic album too, it sounds much better than listening to it on the game! (I think it might be better than the film soundtracks too, but shhh!)

Today was the eagerly awaited (by me) UK release of Scott Pilgrim vs The World, I originally wanted to see it at on the very first showing at 12:30, but my plans had to change and I saw it with my brother instead at 3:10 this afternoon. The film, although understandably different from the comics is amazing. I think it might even be my favourite film of all time. It was also the first time I've seen a film based on a book, that while it was radically different from the original material was incredibly brilliant in it's own way. I'll also be seeing it again tomorrow with Harry, which should be awesome and for some reason is I feel more excited to see it a second time. Of course, when I went to see it today I wore my Scott Pilgrim t-shirt, sad yes, but I wanted to be in the spirit for it! I loved the old school Zelda sound effects used throughout the film and I loved how the actors managed to carry off the characters really well.

I can't really give the film a decent review at the moment, but it started off very slowly with a boy meets girl type story, a typical "indie romance" sort of thing, but then it went insane. Matthew Pattel's intro was exceptionally brilliant and the fight scenes were so well done (no need for shaky camera when it's that awesome, I guess!) I just wish that I could turn my preorder notification into an actual preorder, I can't wait to watch it on blu-ray, it's going to be amazing.

Not much else to add really, except that thanks to the insane amount of rain we've had over the last couple of days, the damp air is really making me ache and I hate it. I also think I might be coming down with a cold as my face feels really hot and I've not been feeling well these last couple of days. I think I'll try and make an isometric grass tile for my pixel art project thing I've started, I'm not sure how to go about it though!

You! Yes You! You're Irritating!

Ah, the ebb and flow of insomnia.

It's currently 4:19am and I need to be at hospital in 4 and a half hours (leaving in about 4). It's a standard counselling, but more of a "it's been three weeks, how are you doing?" type thing. I see it as 50 minutes of me talking nonsense about things that generally don't matter (such as my life), but maybe it has helped me, I don't know. I generally feel frustrated inside my own body, being rather feminine minded (deep down that is, public image is serious business after all), but I'm learning to embrace that. I just wish I was closer to my friends, the ones I have left anyway. I really want to be a better friend to the people I care about, but I think I've missed that chance to be honest.

There are better things to do than google your own name and find that most of my results are about an 80s popstar (who is of opposing gender!). These better things include googling the names of people you haven't spoken to in a while to see what they are up to. Ha, but I'm being silly - I don't google my own name because I don't want to know what people think of me. I probably have an Encyclopedia Dramatica/Wikipedia/Urban Dictionary [delete as appropriate] article written about me from one of my evil exes. No, this isn't going to be drivel about what I regret or things I wish I could change, because that's all in the past. At least my evil exes don't have a "league" (I only have two, but that's enough!) I do have several evil ex-friends though, bleh, I shudder at the thought of them getting together. But I doubt anyone cares enough, luckily.

Back to not wanting to know what others think of me, my own mum said people find me irritating "for some reason". Fair enough, but it was a bit of a shock! I don't see that many people, so to know that most of them find me irritating means there's no point to actively seek meeting people! But you know where that's going. In fact, this blog probably irritates someone somewhere, maybe one of the people who I consider googling reads this. Ha, I doubt that - I don't think anyone reads this! Do they? Do you? If you do, please comment, I'd love to know! But please don't tell me I'm irritating, I'm already shocked from mum giving it to me quite bluntly. Believe me, my chronic sense of sarcasm still exists, but not in all it's glory as it once did (again, most of that was public image anyway). I'm much more docile these days, I feel.

Anyway, away from the attention seeking/cry for help/self loathing for a second (don't worry, we'll get right back to that soon enough), it's 4:45 now and I still don't feel tired at all. I've gone back to playing Saints Row 2 for a bit, it's really a good game, plus it's distracting enough for me. I find that I get easily distracted, but there aren't many things that can distract me and hold my attention, yet I seem to have a relatively low attention span as it is. That's what I get for needing all these prescription drugs I guess, or it's because I'm running from myself. I don't know, there's probably a philosophy in there somewhere. Confucius say: he who has low attention... Oh, a kitty!

I had a strange dream last night. I fell asleep as I heard someone downstairs making noise (I think it was mum) which is what I think caused it. I dreamt that someone had broken in to the house and startled the dog, causing her to raise hell. This woke me and prompted me to investigate what was going on. When getting downstairs, I saw that the intruder had killed my dog (brutally) and was standing with his back to me. I managed to get a knife somehow (and a large one too!) and managed to cut his leg. I tied him to the floor, went to the kitchen and grabbed a towel and a saucepan full of water. Funny how I'm not "disabled" in my dreams, anyway, I then wrapped the towel around his head so it covered his nose and mouth and then I water boarded him! My dreams worry me, but I'm sure psychiatrists would have a field day with them!

It's 5am now and I can feel that fuzz in my head when I know the ADs have worn off, it's a weird feeling. Although it's weird, I don't feel any different in my head, I still have the clear thoughts and rational thinking; but there's a lot more fear that I have less control over my mind, as strange as that sounds. To counter the fear I'm trying to think of positives, I've ordered myself some t-shirts which I'm excited about (I'm a whore for merchandise, hint hint!) and also Scott Pilgrim vs The World finally opens in the uk and I can't wait to see it! Further positives include the new Fallout in October, my stay at RNOH Stanmore (I'm hoping for help with coping) and of course, Myriam, my "Ramona Flowers" visiting next year. I can't wait for that, I really want to savour our time together as we really don't have enough of it.

I'm hungry now, but I'll give sleep another try. Some sleep is better than none after all! Well, here's to Monday, the start of a new week and who knows what it'll bring!

A Time for Movies!

So, 10 days between updates. Nearly two weeks and what have I got up to? Not a lot to be honest. I've had a bit of a cinema week this week! As Wednesday is just ending and I've been to the cinema twice, that's two of three days! But I'll get to the films I watched later.

The iMac was repaired and seems to be working ok, at least there aren't any complaints as of yet! One of the connectors (the SATA one specifically) had come away from the logic board, so that was soldered back on and the wireless card was removed and the thing booted straight up. Dad gave all the various chips (the CPU/GPU) a good going over with the reflow machine he has just in case and it all seems good to go.

Due to all the nerd-hype surrounding Scott Pilgrim (well "positive reviews" rather than hype) I decided to check out the comics. I got a brief idea of what the story was about, but it's not something you can really put into words unless you read it for yourself. To put Scott Pilgrim into context, it's a manga (yes, it is, same format, style, etc) written by a Canadian about life in Canada. It's almost a parody of itself.


To me it feels as though it's written from the main characters perspective to make his life seem more interesting, but you're never told if this is the case or not. I think it's to keep up the mystery of everything, rather than having everything on a plate for the reader, so they can make up their own minds about it. There's a lot of homosexuality in the comic too, which is interesting and refreshing at the same time, especially as it's not rammed down your throat! The comic has made me think too, about my own life and how I treat other people, as well as my perspective of treating others - I don't know of that sort of thing was intended, but it really got me thinking about everything.

The film (which comes out here on the 25th) has really made me interested in the series (ok, borderline obsessed), so I picked up the game from PSN and played it obsessively, mainly because of the soundtrack. So from a film, I've come across a new comic series, a new game (which is fantastic) and a new band too. I can't wait for the game soundtrack to come out on the 24th, I just wish I could preorder it now. The band is called Anamanaguchi and they make music using a hacked NES as well as real instruments. I'm not sure what to call their style as it's not really chiptune (as it has instruments), it's more like a mix of chiptune and rock.

That's pretty much what I've been doing since the end of last week and over the weekend. Not a lot of anything to be completely honest. I had an issue with my iPad case getting really awkward and warped, but the company managed to fedex me another one really quickly with no hassle at all. What a fantastic company, I'll certainly use them again. Good customer service goes an awful long way with me, I tend to stick with what companies have treated me well and avoid those that haven't. I'm also a whore for merchandise, especially t-shirts!

I did download a couple of new apps for my iPad; Ganstar HD and ChaosRings HD. Gangstar cost me 59p (in a sale, thankfully) and it is abysmal, I really can't put it any other way than that. I wrote a slating 1-star review of it on iTunes, but it won't do much good. Crap like that will still be made and people will still buy it. ChaosRings though, feels like Final Fantasy 8 somehow, the graphical style and the battle layout just feel familiar. It feels polished and cared about as though they wanted to put out a good product and not some half-assed thing to make a quick buck.

On to the movies! This week, I saw Sorcerer's Apprentice and Expendables, both in pre-screenings! I didn't see Karate-Kid in the end, as the person I was due to see it with cancelled on me. Luckily I wasn't too interested in watching that film anyway. I'm certainly glad that I got an unlimited card in the end as it opens up so many possibilities and gives me incentives to get up and get out of the house (even when I have no money!) I'll give a couple of small reviews for the films I saw, as well as anymore I see in the coming weeks!

First up, Sorcerer's Apprentice. This film is a Nicolas Cage/Jerry Bruckheimer action/adventure/comedy romp and it's not bad. It's a film you can throw on and watch over and over and over if you wanted, similar vein to National Treasure and Pirates of the Caribbean. I enjoyed it, but at times it felt as though it was a special effects showcase, to show off what high-definition could be used for. But that's the cynic in me talking, criticising it; some of the dialogue was dreadful, but what do you expect really? I love films like that, mindless 'fun' films, nothing too serious, doesn't take itself seriously and Alfred Molina makes a good villain. I'd give the film 7/10, but with a "buy it on Blu-ray" recommendation as it'll be fantastic to watch. No doubt Disney will franchise the shit out of it, as Alfred Molina was glossed over at the end (did he live? Did he die? No-one knows!), so it opens up a sequel, or an animated series at least. I can certainly see Alfred Molina's animated counterpart shouting "Ahaha, I escape again Balthazar!" or "You'll never catch me!" at the end of an episode!

Expendables, which I saw today at an unlisted showing. It was a prescreening before its official debut tonight, to see what sort of crowds it would draw I guess. To sum it up, it was disappointing. The best part was the cameos from Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger, that was it. I cannot believe that that film pulled a bigger crowd than Scott Pilgrim vs the World in the US, it shocks me. It was basically an average action movie with an all-star cast. Jason Statham had a huge role as did Dolph Lundgren which was really surprising. But it was missing something, there was no character backstory or anything. Just a group of guys who bummed about doing jobs the A-Team didn't want to do, that was it. There was nothing to care about (except to see Steve Austin killed in a brutal way...) 6/10, rent if you really, really love action films.

So, I've been driven to and sitting in the cinema for about 2 hours then driven home twice this week and I am completely exhausted. However, as you can see from the times on my blog posts, I don't sleep very well and I'm most productive at night. It's almost like I gain a second wind at the dead of night, before I struggle with my mattress and my body to position itself appropriately (reading that, you can see my eyes rolling, I bet) I seem to sleep better when the mattress I'm sleeping on doesn't decided to push a spring between my ribs "just because it can" it annoys me and gives me quite a lot of pain.

Nighttime gives me space to reflect on things too, I get the time to be alone and face myself. I've always found the things inside my head to be the scariest things of all, and I tend to hide them as much as I can. Night is the only chance I get to confront them and assess my mental state. My doctor thinks that I might be cyclothymic/bipolar and has forwarded me to a psychiatrist for confirmation, it scares me knowing that my moods are volatile, but to be honest, I know that already...

One downside about the night, is when I update my blog at 00:00 onward, most of my friends miss the tweeted updates. I want them to read it and comment, which is why it's here, but I won't force anyone to read it. Well, that's me done for another [insert timespan]!

A Bit Late!

This year is the 5th year that Myriam and I have been together, I think it's amazing how well things have gone and how we have managed to stick together all this time. Hopefully the next 5 years will be just as good, if not better! I'm thankful to her for all the crap she puts up with and for her being there in general. She might be miles and miles and miles away (I think last count was 3600+), but we're always together in some way or another. I bought her a small diamond ring and she bought me a chococat plush (which I adore to the point of photoshopping a new picture for twitter) and a new bracelet, which I will probably never take off.

Some good news! I've lost a trouser size and a belt size, which is fantastic, hopefully I can lose like a million more sizes! (well, another 2 would be nice!) I've also got my cineworld unlimited pass card, so I can go to the cinema whenever I want for free, which is good because there's a lot of movies coming out soon that I want to see! Sadly though, I've hurt my ribs again. I've sprung one of them so that it's partially overlapping the one above it and it feels like the ones above have all pushed upwards, which has pushed my shoulder up and is causing my back to hurt like hell. I've also not been sleeping properly and waking up at stupid times (like today, I woke up at almost 3:30pm!!) This is seriously hampering my day as I want to try and get stuff done, this is frustrating me to no end.

I've been reading Under the Dome by Stephen King, which is possibly one of the best books I have read (and longest at 1081 pages...) I suggest everyone should read it as soon as possible as it deals with the horrors of human nature and dystopia more than actual paranormal horror! I have quite a few books to get through at the moment, I have The Sadako Trilogy by Koji Suzuki to get through (that's 'Ring', 'Spiral' and 'Loop' - what the infamous japanese horror film The Ring was based on. As far as I know, there's a 4th book too, but I think that's an accompaniment rather than an actual 4th book.) I also have the Hobbit to finish and Lord of the Rings to finally read. I also have a few more books I want to get read too, such as James Reese's Herculine Trilogy and Stephen King's The Stand. As always though, I'm open to more requests as to what I should read! As long as they're on the iBooks Store (and don't cost ridiculous amounts of money), I'll read them.

I've finished the main story of DragonQuest IX and I absolutely loved it. It was really clichéd and didn't take itself very seriously, but that's what I love about it. It's such a lighthearted game that I can pour unaccountable hours into and enjoy. Sadly now I've got to the point where I need to wait for the weekly quests to be released over the Nintendo Wifi thing, otherwise I have nothing to do except try to solo treasure grottos (which isn't that fun unless you're co-oping it). Is it sad that I want a 40+ hour game to be longer? I want more of it, and hopefully the weekly story quests will give me that! Amazing really, that one of my favourite games is on the DS. I just wish that there was another save slot so I could start another character!

My old Macbook Pro died the other week. It was on it's way out, but it died pretty catastrophically in the end. Dad tried to repair it like he does xbox 360s (with his solder reflow station) but no luck, it's truly dead. What I might do is strip it down and sell the parts on ebay (the parts that work, anyway) I have some ram, the screen, keyboard, etc that can all go on, as the death is solely the logicboard which I could also sell 'sold as seen' as someone might be able to use the processor off it or something. Sad to see the machine go, but it is approaching 5 years old and it lasted well (aside from being crushed on a return flight from the USA!) but hopefully it'll let some other Macbooks live a little bit longer. Dad is also going to try and repair Harry's iMac which has been in it's box for ages now, hopefully it'll be an easier fix than my Macbook!

Other than that, there's not much to report. I'll be at Stanmore at the end of October and soon I'll be starting my Balance for Life swimming thing, both of which should be good as I'll hopefully lose a lot of weight through both of those. Well, next week I would like to see a couple of movies, possibly Karate Kid and whatever else looks good. I'm waiting for Scott Pilgrim, Expendables and The Last Airbender (I know it'll be rubbish) so I have a few to look forward to!

Misery...

I am feeling miserable. This isn't going to be a fun blog post, but I want to write down my feelings. The last week, I've been going over my feelings properly. I've been dissecting them and working out how they feel and what they are, then I came to 'happiness' and I stopped. I couldn't work out what happiness was at all. All I could come across was times when I get a bit hyper, when my thoughts race and I'm irritable and bouncing off the walls. When talking to the HMSA about this, it turns out it might be periods of mania. When I'm like this, I always seem to be able to control myself without going 'too far' but sometimes I slip and say things I don't mean.

Anyway, I had a really scary experience yesterday that I really wish to forget. I am depressed as it is, but I was excited about going out to celebrate Heather's birthday at a restaurant I hadn't been to before. I have been excited while depressed before, I was when I saw A-Team the other day, but this was different. My thoughts were racing and I was irritable on top of being excited, but I was still feeling down. I can't explain it, but it was as though I was both depressed AND hyper/manic at the same time. It was terrifying, and trying to keep on top of it and not let it take over was exhausting when I was actually at the meal. And then it just stopped and I felt worse, I got hit with an extra hard dose of depression. I felt as though I had done something awful and I felt ashamed of existing, that I was something disgusting. I couldn't even look at my friends, I tried to join in and carry on, but my mind wasn't there at all.

When the meal ended and we each broke off. I came home and chatted to Myriam for a bit then went to sleep, I had no motivation at all for painkillers or the other pills I take before bed, it was just sleep. When I woke up, it had just gone 4am and I was feeling like I was floating and I couldn't get back to sleep because I had so much energy. I played DragonQuest IX on my DS for literally hours until I felt tired at about 9am and I went back to sleep. Finally when I woke up it was gone 3pm and I was feeling miserable again. Everything seemed to go so slowly, it literally felt like 5 minutes had passed before my clock went from 15:29 to 15:30 and I could feel my brain almost melting.

I am worried, that if I talk to my GP about this that I'll be complaining about my happiness, but at the same time I don't know if 'happiness' should last a day or so then lead to a double/worse dose of depression for about a week afterward. I'm also terrified that I'm not sure what's going on in my head. How would my GP react, would he think that I was being silly for being almost paranoid about my 'happiness' and that it's got to the point where my head is so confused I don't know which way is up. I'm scared of talking about it really, it's like I don't know what is going on in my mind.

I've always seen "bipolar" as a card angsty teens use as a defence and I don't want it as a label at all. I don't want any labels at all, but I already have Elhers-Danlos and depression and a few others. I hate that things seem to constantly evolve. Doctors have mentioned before that I might be bipolar, but I've always been quick to tell them that I've been diagnosed with depression. I think at the same time, I don't want to go down that road because I'm scared that I might lose my happiness, or that there are other things wrong with me. I understand that it's something I don't have to tell anyone about, but I like to be open with my friends and my family and the prospect of being 'that person' scares me.

I don't know what to do, I really don't. I'm 'doubly' depressed at the moment, so all these thoughts might just be my imagination and I hate going over and analysing all the times I've felt happy, I don't want to do that. I've always thought that I was a hypochondriac, and told that as well, so that thought is still deep down. That I imagine these feelings and that they're not really there, that they're just in my head (understandably, depression/etc are in my head, but you know what I mean!) so I'm constantly second-guessing everything. What I'll do, is sleep on it and talk to my counsellor in the morning and see if he can advise; what a fantastic last session this will be...

Not Quite "Spare" Ribs...

It's been a busy week this week. First off, I managed to slip both a disk in the middle of my back and a rib too, which the doctor said has moved over another one... Monday, I went to the GP and left in more pain than when I started, as he attempted to relocate my rib. He laid me down on his bed/table thing and proceeded to hit me in the back! I could feel all of my ribs moving about, just not in the right way. I'm finding this frustrating and rather depressing to say the least, as I want to start my "Balance for Life" swimming that the doctor prescribed - but I can't because I'm technically "injured".

I've also bought into a cinema unlimited pass thing for my local cinema, as I always end up not being able to afford to go when invited. I miss going to the cinema with my friends, so I can go when I like and I don't have to pay for the tickets! I saw Toy Story 3 with Nik and his family on Tuesday evening and it was fantastic. I didn't have high hopes for it as I didn't enjoy the second one at all. There's a lot of peril and horror in this one (the cymbal monkey and the baby come to mind!) and it really makes you attached to the characters. I'm so glad they thinned down the "cast" of toys, as it makes it much easier to like the whole gang (potato head giving some awesome comedy moments and "señor buzz" for examples!)

Wednesday I went to see The A-Team with Nicky, which again was awesome. He's great to watch films with, because it doesn't matter what crap is on, he's always willing to go and see anything! Maybe I can coax him into seeing Eclipse...? Anyway, A-Team was fantastic, a brilliantly fun movie that's silly and with way over the top action. The characters were really well done and well portrayed, and they weren't at all "imitations" that I was worried they would be! Liam Neeson was awesome, as usual and really stood out. He was my main reason for seeing the film, and I'm honestly glad I did. It's certainly one I'll buy on bluray when it comes out. I offered to pay for dad's ticket so he could come and watch it with us, but he didn't want to, which was a shame because he'd have loved it. I often wonder if there's anything we can do together these days, I do try though.

I think next on the agenda for films is Jackie Chan's Karate Kid and then the "summer blockbusters". I really want to see Last Airbender, just to see how much they've screwed up. Sorcerer's Apprentice looks to be good too as does The Expendables and Scott Pilgrim. No doubt I'll see all of them, thanks to my card, I just wish Myriam was here to join me in seeing all of them. I wish she was with me full stop. She's only ever a phone call away, I know that, but I want to be doing these things with her and having fun with her. It's things I'm looking forward to though, being able to have evening dinner dates and watching late movies at the cinema. Maybe I can coax dad into seeing something in the coming weeks.

Myriam and I had a long talk about why I've distanced myself from spiritual things and why I feel I can't believe in it anymore. I won't go into it here, but I think she needed to know the reasons why I had this slow change of heart as her beliefs are finally settling. We had a good long talk about it and I think it made her happier about things somehow, at least I hope it did. The talk came about because mum found a sealed pack of tarot cards, wrapped in silk and inside a wooden box on a charity market stall. The women running the stall didn't like "things like that" (once mum opened it and showed them the contents, that is) and they let her have the lot for £1. The box and contents are on their way to Myriam now as she loves tarot cards and spiritual related things. I felt weird how the silk was purple (which is "my colour") and how the deck was a "dragon" deck - seeing as M was born in the year of the dragon... I knew it was supposed to be hers.

Today/Thursday, started off well. I got up a little late as I was up talking to M for most of the night, and headed to the the co-op (I'm going to try and walk a little each day) to get my lunch. Once again, I forgot how difficult it is to carry stuff with crutches... Maybe I should get a basket when I shop, haha! It saddens me, to be honest, as it was a huge struggle today. Something as simple as walking to the top of my road to buy a can of soup and a coke and walk back was a nightmare and I suffered for it this afternoon. Thankfully ibuprofen and paracetamol/cocodamol/codyramol/etc can mix, but sadly they're not much help. I think I need to space out the movies/going out across the week as it's almost as much of a struggle as working!

I have nothing planned for what is now today (Friday), but Saturday is my "Harry day" plus I'm going to Prezzo (an Italian-themed chain restaurant) in the evening as it's Heather's birthday and she's kindly invited me to go along. I really want to see my friends more often, I don't want to be "that guy" who sometimes goes out, I want to be invited to things. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm "ill" that I'm not invited anywhere, but I try not to think like that. My friends are all good people and have put up with a lot of my shit over the years and I'm very grateful, it's just difficult to tell them how hard my life is at the moment. I always fall back into either being the quiet one in the corner, or I turn into a raging asshole.

There must be some good in me, mustn't there? I just don't know how to lower my defences and be myself, whatever "myself" is. I see it when I'm with Myriam, but I can't quite get there and stay there, as still have my colossal mood swings and I annoy her too. She puts up with an awful lot and sometimes I wonder how she can cope with me being such a state and why she bothers. If only I could see in myself what others see in me. Anyway, bedtime, that's enough of my inane shouting into the wind.

And So! An Update!

It's been some time since I updated last, I apologise for that. It's been really hectic, yet at the same time, it hasn't. I'm now over 3 weeks into my long term sick leave and I'm still facing work-based difficulties. I won't go into details, but nothing is ever easy!

I saw Inception on the 16th and all I can say is that it was fantastic. It was nothing at all like I was expecting (although I wasn't really expecting anything as I had no idea what it was supposed to be about!) one of the best movies I've seen in a while. The next outing will be Toy Story 3 on Tuesday, I don't really care for it because I wasn't that keen on the second one...

My health is still taking a major decline, like today, I've managed to hurt one of my ribs, and my back is still hurting. Upon seeing my actual GP the other day, I've been given some new painkillers, which are massive ibuprofen pills, and they help. Other than that, I have some painful exercises to do to "help" my back...

As I tweeted earlier, I picked up DragonQuest IX on the DS today. So far I have restarted the game 3 times, as I keep missing things at the beginning and I can't have that! What I have played of the game, I can say it is awesome and I love it already. It might even drag me away from MewMew Tower Toy on the iPad!

Well, hopefully it won't be another few weeks before I update again, I need to be poked and prodded to update more often!

A Rant, or Why My Next Phone Will be an iPhone

"The application process com.mail.google has stopped responding" Or at least it was something like that. Why is it, that when you get something set up just how you like it, it goes and breaks or stops working? Most of my night/morning so far has been taken up with rebuilding my Nexus One's OS. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the hardware, the minimal design, the colour, etc. But even when throwing a 1ghz processor and 512mb of ram at Android, it's crap. Anyway, story time!

I moved from my Gen 1/2.5G iPhone on O2 (which I had from UK launch, costing £269 with a £40 per month, 18 month contract) to a G1 on T-mobile because when prompted to upgrade for free to an iPhone 3G on O2, they lied and wanted over £200. If my 'free upgrade' was indeed 'free' then I would probably have an iPhone 4 right now (ok, I'd be waiting for a white one). My G1 was free, it was the right price, gave me a touchscreen, 3G, GPS, etc and T-mo in the UK is one of the best networks. I love my tariff (unlimited text messages, unlimited internet) and I love the T-mo network, it has never failed on me. I will be sticking with T-mobile for as long as I can.

The G1, with Android 1.0 was shit. With 1.1, it was shit. With 1.5 and 1.6, it was shit. The phone was only decent when rooted and flashed with a custom build of Android, it showed promise and for a while I felt happy with my choice. Custom builds of Android improved and improved and I am amazed at what the developers have pulled from the G1, but it was getting too sluggish for what I wanted. The hardware was old when it came out and Android was being pushed on faster and faster devices.

Google announced the Nexus One. At the time of release, it had the greatest specs for a mobile phone and a brand new build of Android "the version to end all versions", 2.0. The N1 was a smaller phone than the G1, had a bigger screen, was faster and was actually Google branded. It was, in my mind, perfect. Considering my hands had started to get worse, I wanted an easy to use phone that did the work for me, so I ordered one.

The design is stunning, I love the design of the N1. Even now with the Desire being quite popular over here, the N1 still stands out. What lets it down is Android. Even with CyanogenMod (the Android Open Source Project), what lets the phone down is Android. Like tonight, the Gmail app broke, that was it. So the usual, permission fix, restore Google Apps, restore OS, then restore backup. Now wait a second, I just had to run a permission fix and a restore on my phone. It's getting ridiculous. Fair enough all modern smartphones have issues, but my iPhone was great and iOS evolved at a consistent rate.

I updated my phone to the latest CyanogenMod version, wiping and starting again from scratch to see if that would fix the problem. It didn't. I eventually got it working (I don't know how) but this is the last annoyance. The ideas behind Android are fantastic, the N1's hardware is fantastic (even though it's thoroughly destroyed by Samsung's new Galaxy S class phones and the new iPhone 4) but for some reason, together they just don't work. Even now Android 2.2 "Froyo", with things such as JIT and ARM NEON enhancements, Android feels sluggish compared to my iPad and it's almost painful to use. It feels bloated and wasteful.

The sad thing is, I wouldn't have noticed this at all if it hadn't been for one thing. The iPad. The iPad has made things easier for me in so many ways and it's made me realise how much I like iOS. Sure, it's not for everyone and it's getting a bit "2007 cliché" now, but I'm convinced that my next phone will be an iPhone. Android isn't unifying and evolving anywhere near as I hoped. I had such high expectations for it and Google even severed their partnership with Apple over it. Maybe over the coming months, with Android 3.0 on the way, if it can be simplified and less fragmented it might still win me back.

Android/AOSP, you have until October to win me back. Even with the reception issues, I will pick an iPhone 4 as my upgrade when it comes around unless there are some serious changes! Now I know I'm ranting into thin air (as hardly anyone reads this!), and one person won't make a difference to anything, but after hours of getting my phone back to how I like it, I realise that It'd rather have it do it all for me. I like the 'closed' ecosystem of iTunes, it's simple, hassle free and easy.

Maybe I'm just lazy, or relying too much on technology, who knows. I envy people who still use ageing Samsung phones with 4k colour displays or Nokia 3310s, because they don't need the things I do. If only my iPad could make calls using a bluetooth headset...