Not Quite "Spare" Ribs...

It's been a busy week this week. First off, I managed to slip both a disk in the middle of my back and a rib too, which the doctor said has moved over another one... Monday, I went to the GP and left in more pain than when I started, as he attempted to relocate my rib. He laid me down on his bed/table thing and proceeded to hit me in the back! I could feel all of my ribs moving about, just not in the right way. I'm finding this frustrating and rather depressing to say the least, as I want to start my "Balance for Life" swimming that the doctor prescribed - but I can't because I'm technically "injured".

I've also bought into a cinema unlimited pass thing for my local cinema, as I always end up not being able to afford to go when invited. I miss going to the cinema with my friends, so I can go when I like and I don't have to pay for the tickets! I saw Toy Story 3 with Nik and his family on Tuesday evening and it was fantastic. I didn't have high hopes for it as I didn't enjoy the second one at all. There's a lot of peril and horror in this one (the cymbal monkey and the baby come to mind!) and it really makes you attached to the characters. I'm so glad they thinned down the "cast" of toys, as it makes it much easier to like the whole gang (potato head giving some awesome comedy moments and "señor buzz" for examples!)

Wednesday I went to see The A-Team with Nicky, which again was awesome. He's great to watch films with, because it doesn't matter what crap is on, he's always willing to go and see anything! Maybe I can coax him into seeing Eclipse...? Anyway, A-Team was fantastic, a brilliantly fun movie that's silly and with way over the top action. The characters were really well done and well portrayed, and they weren't at all "imitations" that I was worried they would be! Liam Neeson was awesome, as usual and really stood out. He was my main reason for seeing the film, and I'm honestly glad I did. It's certainly one I'll buy on bluray when it comes out. I offered to pay for dad's ticket so he could come and watch it with us, but he didn't want to, which was a shame because he'd have loved it. I often wonder if there's anything we can do together these days, I do try though.

I think next on the agenda for films is Jackie Chan's Karate Kid and then the "summer blockbusters". I really want to see Last Airbender, just to see how much they've screwed up. Sorcerer's Apprentice looks to be good too as does The Expendables and Scott Pilgrim. No doubt I'll see all of them, thanks to my card, I just wish Myriam was here to join me in seeing all of them. I wish she was with me full stop. She's only ever a phone call away, I know that, but I want to be doing these things with her and having fun with her. It's things I'm looking forward to though, being able to have evening dinner dates and watching late movies at the cinema. Maybe I can coax dad into seeing something in the coming weeks.

Myriam and I had a long talk about why I've distanced myself from spiritual things and why I feel I can't believe in it anymore. I won't go into it here, but I think she needed to know the reasons why I had this slow change of heart as her beliefs are finally settling. We had a good long talk about it and I think it made her happier about things somehow, at least I hope it did. The talk came about because mum found a sealed pack of tarot cards, wrapped in silk and inside a wooden box on a charity market stall. The women running the stall didn't like "things like that" (once mum opened it and showed them the contents, that is) and they let her have the lot for £1. The box and contents are on their way to Myriam now as she loves tarot cards and spiritual related things. I felt weird how the silk was purple (which is "my colour") and how the deck was a "dragon" deck - seeing as M was born in the year of the dragon... I knew it was supposed to be hers.

Today/Thursday, started off well. I got up a little late as I was up talking to M for most of the night, and headed to the the co-op (I'm going to try and walk a little each day) to get my lunch. Once again, I forgot how difficult it is to carry stuff with crutches... Maybe I should get a basket when I shop, haha! It saddens me, to be honest, as it was a huge struggle today. Something as simple as walking to the top of my road to buy a can of soup and a coke and walk back was a nightmare and I suffered for it this afternoon. Thankfully ibuprofen and paracetamol/cocodamol/codyramol/etc can mix, but sadly they're not much help. I think I need to space out the movies/going out across the week as it's almost as much of a struggle as working!

I have nothing planned for what is now today (Friday), but Saturday is my "Harry day" plus I'm going to Prezzo (an Italian-themed chain restaurant) in the evening as it's Heather's birthday and she's kindly invited me to go along. I really want to see my friends more often, I don't want to be "that guy" who sometimes goes out, I want to be invited to things. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm "ill" that I'm not invited anywhere, but I try not to think like that. My friends are all good people and have put up with a lot of my shit over the years and I'm very grateful, it's just difficult to tell them how hard my life is at the moment. I always fall back into either being the quiet one in the corner, or I turn into a raging asshole.

There must be some good in me, mustn't there? I just don't know how to lower my defences and be myself, whatever "myself" is. I see it when I'm with Myriam, but I can't quite get there and stay there, as still have my colossal mood swings and I annoy her too. She puts up with an awful lot and sometimes I wonder how she can cope with me being such a state and why she bothers. If only I could see in myself what others see in me. Anyway, bedtime, that's enough of my inane shouting into the wind.

And So! An Update!

It's been some time since I updated last, I apologise for that. It's been really hectic, yet at the same time, it hasn't. I'm now over 3 weeks into my long term sick leave and I'm still facing work-based difficulties. I won't go into details, but nothing is ever easy!

I saw Inception on the 16th and all I can say is that it was fantastic. It was nothing at all like I was expecting (although I wasn't really expecting anything as I had no idea what it was supposed to be about!) one of the best movies I've seen in a while. The next outing will be Toy Story 3 on Tuesday, I don't really care for it because I wasn't that keen on the second one...

My health is still taking a major decline, like today, I've managed to hurt one of my ribs, and my back is still hurting. Upon seeing my actual GP the other day, I've been given some new painkillers, which are massive ibuprofen pills, and they help. Other than that, I have some painful exercises to do to "help" my back...

As I tweeted earlier, I picked up DragonQuest IX on the DS today. So far I have restarted the game 3 times, as I keep missing things at the beginning and I can't have that! What I have played of the game, I can say it is awesome and I love it already. It might even drag me away from MewMew Tower Toy on the iPad!

Well, hopefully it won't be another few weeks before I update again, I need to be poked and prodded to update more often!

A Rant, or Why My Next Phone Will be an iPhone

"The application process com.mail.google has stopped responding" Or at least it was something like that. Why is it, that when you get something set up just how you like it, it goes and breaks or stops working? Most of my night/morning so far has been taken up with rebuilding my Nexus One's OS. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the hardware, the minimal design, the colour, etc. But even when throwing a 1ghz processor and 512mb of ram at Android, it's crap. Anyway, story time!

I moved from my Gen 1/2.5G iPhone on O2 (which I had from UK launch, costing £269 with a £40 per month, 18 month contract) to a G1 on T-mobile because when prompted to upgrade for free to an iPhone 3G on O2, they lied and wanted over £200. If my 'free upgrade' was indeed 'free' then I would probably have an iPhone 4 right now (ok, I'd be waiting for a white one). My G1 was free, it was the right price, gave me a touchscreen, 3G, GPS, etc and T-mo in the UK is one of the best networks. I love my tariff (unlimited text messages, unlimited internet) and I love the T-mo network, it has never failed on me. I will be sticking with T-mobile for as long as I can.

The G1, with Android 1.0 was shit. With 1.1, it was shit. With 1.5 and 1.6, it was shit. The phone was only decent when rooted and flashed with a custom build of Android, it showed promise and for a while I felt happy with my choice. Custom builds of Android improved and improved and I am amazed at what the developers have pulled from the G1, but it was getting too sluggish for what I wanted. The hardware was old when it came out and Android was being pushed on faster and faster devices.

Google announced the Nexus One. At the time of release, it had the greatest specs for a mobile phone and a brand new build of Android "the version to end all versions", 2.0. The N1 was a smaller phone than the G1, had a bigger screen, was faster and was actually Google branded. It was, in my mind, perfect. Considering my hands had started to get worse, I wanted an easy to use phone that did the work for me, so I ordered one.

The design is stunning, I love the design of the N1. Even now with the Desire being quite popular over here, the N1 still stands out. What lets it down is Android. Even with CyanogenMod (the Android Open Source Project), what lets the phone down is Android. Like tonight, the Gmail app broke, that was it. So the usual, permission fix, restore Google Apps, restore OS, then restore backup. Now wait a second, I just had to run a permission fix and a restore on my phone. It's getting ridiculous. Fair enough all modern smartphones have issues, but my iPhone was great and iOS evolved at a consistent rate.

I updated my phone to the latest CyanogenMod version, wiping and starting again from scratch to see if that would fix the problem. It didn't. I eventually got it working (I don't know how) but this is the last annoyance. The ideas behind Android are fantastic, the N1's hardware is fantastic (even though it's thoroughly destroyed by Samsung's new Galaxy S class phones and the new iPhone 4) but for some reason, together they just don't work. Even now Android 2.2 "Froyo", with things such as JIT and ARM NEON enhancements, Android feels sluggish compared to my iPad and it's almost painful to use. It feels bloated and wasteful.

The sad thing is, I wouldn't have noticed this at all if it hadn't been for one thing. The iPad. The iPad has made things easier for me in so many ways and it's made me realise how much I like iOS. Sure, it's not for everyone and it's getting a bit "2007 cliché" now, but I'm convinced that my next phone will be an iPhone. Android isn't unifying and evolving anywhere near as I hoped. I had such high expectations for it and Google even severed their partnership with Apple over it. Maybe over the coming months, with Android 3.0 on the way, if it can be simplified and less fragmented it might still win me back.

Android/AOSP, you have until October to win me back. Even with the reception issues, I will pick an iPhone 4 as my upgrade when it comes around unless there are some serious changes! Now I know I'm ranting into thin air (as hardly anyone reads this!), and one person won't make a difference to anything, but after hours of getting my phone back to how I like it, I realise that It'd rather have it do it all for me. I like the 'closed' ecosystem of iTunes, it's simple, hassle free and easy.

Maybe I'm just lazy, or relying too much on technology, who knows. I envy people who still use ageing Samsung phones with 4k colour displays or Nokia 3310s, because they don't need the things I do. If only my iPad could make calls using a bluetooth headset...

Over a Week!

Wow, it's been over a week since I last blogged, I can't believe it! Looks like a massive update is on the way, or several. I'm going to follow this one with a rant, just as a warning!

I'm still off sick, I'm two weeks in now and it's quite difficult to do things. It's not because I don't want to, it's just that when I plan, something goes wrong. Like at the moment, my knees are playing up. They're very lose and they have no stability to them at all. It's almost frightening to walk at times, not knowing what my knees are going to do! The good news is my back is slowing improving! It still gives me twinges, which I find incredibly frustrating, but it's getting better! Back pain has to be the second worst thing in the world (after side-effects from diet pills, but I'll save the explanation of that!)

Obviously, as I've not updated for a while, not a lot has happened. I went to see my counsellor on Monday, who gave me a long talk on mind and body connectivity. Apparently, my feeling of being trapped/in the wrong body is one that I can overcome mentally by positive thinking and listening to what my body is saying. I can't listen to what it doesn't tell me! He also seems to think that recognising negative thoughts and putting them to one side is a really bad thing. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because they can bottle up and come at once? I don't know!

I've also been playing lots of Dragon Age: Origins on the PS3. I started a new character, a human noble rogue (irony?) and I've done the tedious parts, Kokari Wilds, Redcliffe, Circle of Magi (god, I can't stand the Fade quests!) and now I have the meatier parts left, which is most of the DLC, character side quests, and the 'better' quests (Denerim, Orzammar, etc) I left Dragon Age today, and I dabbled in a bit of Crackdown 2, which I really didn't enjoy. It's like Infamous, but without the polish, the fun. I didn't feel 'awesome' I was constantly aware not to hurt civilians or peacekeepers, which meant I couldn't just rampage. Tomorrow it's business as usual and back to Dragon Age I think!

I've also borrowed a lot of DVDs off Harry, the entire Avatar: Legend of Aang/The Last Airbender set (all 3 series), just to wash the feeling out of my head that I want to see the M. Night Shyamalan movie. If I see it, I'll only end up disappointed and hating myself. I also refer to it as "the M. Night Shyamalan movie" as it really doesn't deserve to be linked to that great series. Even though the series is a children's cartoon, there's just something about it that's brilliant. It shows struggle and growth in quite an amazing way.

Myriam's 22nd birthday was last Sunday and her dad wasn't impressed that I didn't give her any presents. He seems to find any excuse to belittle me to Myriam and he only does it to upset her. I have got her presents, I've got her some little things and a new ring to replace the one that has cracked (much, much better quality and should last a lot longer) and I told her they'd be late. I know Myriam herself doesn't mind, it's just her dad that annoys me!

Tomorrow evening I'm attempting to go out for the first time in a while. I don't really care for the film I'm going to see (inception), but I want to go out and see some friends. I'll be going with Harry and Nikolas, rather than my usual crowd. This will be an adventure, as I don't think I've been out with Nik on a cinema excursion! Hopefully they'll be mindful of my extra needs (I know Haz will) but I think I worry for nothing. It's scary how much I need to trust who I'm with now, I hate relying on other people.

Well, that's it for this post, it's nearly 3am and I'm watching a repeat of Have I Got News For You on Dave. Now it's time for my rant post!

Quick, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow!

Well, I was all prepared to go and have my blood test today, however, it turns out that I needed to fast from 10pm the night before. D'oh. I get to the hospital (dad dropped me and mum off) and when sitting with my ticket mum says "did you have to fast for this one?" so we get the form out and have a look. Turns out I did, for the blood sugar tests... So we put the ticket back and head off.

I managed to get a card and another present for Myriam, I got a MASSIVE card which I thought was lovely. It's not too soppy though, so she can display it if she wants to. I love the little gifty thing I got too, I was going to get both a Hello Kitty pop-up card and a Hello Kitty cushion, but I thought I was pushing my luck just a little bit! I'd have liked to have seen Myriam's face though when she saw the HK card!

Unfortunately, Myriam's presents are going to be a little delayed this year, but hopefully she won't mind, at least she'll get them! She's getting lots of Hello Kitty stuff, something for every room in the house, I know she'll love them!

Apart from the trip to the hospital, I phoned work and broke the news about not being there for two months. My boss sounded a bit annoyed about it, but then again, everyone sounds annoyed at 9 o'clock in the morning! It was probably not personal, but having just woken up and not dosed, I felt a little bad about it.

I also called the department of work and pensions about ESA benefits as I'm now on long term sick. If I'd thought about it, I should've got some when I was prescribed with depression and told to take all that time off as it was a huge struggle with no pay! But it comes down to surviving on what I have, as long as I can afford to pay my bills each month I'll be ok. Hopefully this is ESA will give me enough to live on for the time being!

Progression, Not Recession!

Well, further to my post the other day, I went to see a GP. She wasn't my normal GP, but in a way it was better to see her as she was the one who pointed me down this path and got me to be diagnosed. Obviously there was a bit of a gap between when she saw me last and now, so she read my notes and the letters on my file.

Luckily I had written down everything I wanted to discuss with the doctor and I passed it to her at the beginning of the appointment. Straight away she said: "this is far beyond GP level to deal with, I'm really sorry. There's no way I can help you in 10 minutes, even if we had a whole surgery. However, I'll do what I can." She was fantastic, even though she hardly did anything, it went better than I hoped.

My antidepressants have been doubled, I've been given free access to swimming and I've also been signed off work for 2 months. I'll break the news to work tomorrow and get a short letter written to them too, which I'll post with the sickness forms. The doctor didn't even ask me if I felt able to work, she told me I wasn't fit to work at all and signed me off straight away before she looked over the list.

The bad news is, because my fatigue has gotten worse, she wants me to have a full-board blood test to make sure my thyroid is ok. I hate blood tests, needles, anything like that. I always feel worse coming out of having a blood test than I did before having one. So my plan is to get it done ASAP, get it over and done with so it doesn't bother me for days and days. I also have to go to the opticians about my eyes and talk to them about what's happening there. I'm going to wait for that though, as I want to pick up some new glasses when I go!

I feel this sick leave is progressing and helpful and a positive thing. Occupational Health said to me that sick leave was detrimental and I should stay working as long as possible, but what if working is causing me more problems? I don't think that was taken into consideration at all. Funny that a doctor sees it straight away and says "With depression and anxiety alone you shouldn't be working, the fact you can't physically cope with working makes the mental issues worse. You're not at all fit to work!"

I hope the swimming is good, I hope it's short 15/20 minute sessions and not an hour long, or I will struggle. However, the free sessions sound fantastic and I can't wait to jump straight in. I have no idea where it's held, but as far as I know it's not at the public pool. It's a shame Dad won't be able to come with me, because it was really good when we went swimming together.

Well, it looks like a lot more blogging will happen as I'm not at work for a couple of months! Hah, yeah right.

Does Dr Congo Drink Umbongo?

So, it's Monday morning and I'm reduced to starting blog posts with programming code (really nerdy starting sentences with "so" knowing where it came from, ha!) basically, my back is a mess still and I did nothing at all this weekend.

Back pain has to be the single most frustrating thing in the world. It's not a pain that can be ignored as it hinders you in so many ways. Simple things like reaching, twisting, stretching and even sitting are virtually impossible at times. It's extremely limiting and it makes me feel even more trapped inside my body.

I'm going to see my counsellor this morning (which is why I'm up so early), hopefully he'll appreciate my struggle to go and see him this morning! Unfortunately, work is out of the question, as there's no way I can survive 5 hours working, moving about and bending, stretching, reaching, etc. But on the plus side, it gives my mind time off to work on what I want to do.

I've got an extravagant list of topics that I wish to discuss with my GP tomorrow, ranging from the back pain to my eyes and Marfan Syndrome. With my eyes, I've found that my corneas can move about, like contact lenses! That was rather shocking. They can literally come away from my eye and move about, what a thing to find at 3am in the morning, eh?

The GP I'm seeing tomorrow isn't my normal one, however, it's the doctor who started this whole ball rolling with possible hypermobility syndrome (which seems now to be Marfans...). This is good in a way, because she can see what the progression has been and advise me further on what I can do. That's not to say my regular GP is bad, he specialises in other areas, that's all.

Right, time to get ready for counselling, should be interesting. Seeing as I'm feeling incredibly negative about my back issues and the current situation with work. Well, TTFN! I'll try and update again later today.

The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

So, just when I think the week can't get any worse I manage to slip a disc in my lower back and spend the day in agony. I managed to do it when I rolled over this morning to look at my clock, the top half rolled, my legs didn't, my spine managed to separate my pelvis somehow and then flay discs about. Ok, that was slightly exaggerated, a disc slipped and trapped a nerve. The pins and needles are a pain, but there's not much I can do about it.

I still went into work and suffered through a day, which was a bad idea as now I can barely walk and the pain is worse than ever. I was going to go home at lunchtime, but Brother was taking his theory test today. It's funny, they say no-one passes first time, except for Dad and Brother I guess. I'm sure he'll be doing his practical test soon and will be out terrorising the streets in his own car, which I'm sure he'll be buying soon.

Anyway, as Brother was out doing his theory, Mum and Dad decided to make a day of it by shopping in Chelmsford. So, the only choice I had really was to stay at work, rather than walk around Chelmsford or sit in a hot car for a few hours. An agonising day whichever way it went. The day dragged on like nothing I've ever seen, all I could feel was pain up to this knot in my back then pins and needles from there down.

When I got home, I slept, exhausted from the pain. I woke at gone six, feeling terrible, really negative and pathetic. I had some dinner brought up (as I couldn't move) which, sadly, was cold when I got to eat it, but food was food. I had a lovely chat with Myriam over webcam, she showed me the bracelet she bought for me (it looks really nice) and we generally messed about as usual (which was difficult seeing as every time I moved it hurt more) and it cheered me up.

Myriam is awesome, she makes me happy. She calms me down, sure I still have my negative swings, but she normals me out, I'm nowhere near as hyper when I'm with her or talking to her. I'm constantly told that I shouldn't rely on other people, but I need some support right now. I also managed to knock over a glass of coca-cola all over my floor. It was a huge pain having to ask Mum to come and lay kitchen towels all over my floor because I can't move, I think she wasn't very impressed either.

It's early in the morning right now, I can't sleep because I'm trying to get comfortable. I'm typing this out on the iPad while shuffling about, my back is killing. I won't be going to work tomorrow, I don't know if I'll be able to stand tomorrow let alone walk anywhere. I have a doctor's appointment for Tuesday, which isn't with my normal GP, but it's a doctor I've seen before and she's very good.

I'm just sick of all this jumped up messing about, after all that's going on at the moment, my back has to give way. Quite ironic that the straw that broke the camel's back was the camel's back breaking... I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Talk about a comedy of errors.