What a Rubbish Couple of Days...

I don't know if it's the heat or what, but at the moment living is hard. Work is virtually impossible thanks to fatigue and I feel incredibly frustrated about almost everything. I've been asked by my psychotherapist to write down my feelings, to try and reconnect with them again, but how am I supposed to write what I feel if I only feel negative things most of the time? Isn't that what depression is?

For example, I can only resign from work at the moment, seeing as Occupational Health feel I can work "at some point in time" but not at the moment (which surely is the one that counts, right?) Well, situations have changed and my rehab will take longer than I anticipated (seeing as it's a life course, rather than a cure) so as you can imagine, I had a bit of a shock on tuesday!

Work is getting too much for me at the moment with everything that's going on, I just can't focus on it and I'm making mistakes. It's not the work at all, it's my highly unstable mental attitude to things. I'm so quick to jump to the negative and let it twist and control my thoughts and let them slide to dark places, even while I'm taking all these pills. It's unbearable some days, even Myriam noticed it when I was with her, my mood darkens from a mere glance or gust of wind.

When I'm happy though, I feel as though I'm bouncing off the walls, and that in itself is unbearable too. I'm more likely (ironically) to cause myself harm when I'm happy, because I will always do too much and cause myself some form of injury or problems. I know I shouldn't be working, I knew it when I was diagnosed with depression on top of everything else. But what can I do? I can't resign, because I'll lose all the help and support I have now as well as any benefits I can claim when I'm out of work.

I need to take some time off to clear my head, again, because I can't cope with this situation and I am in too much pain to get up and work every day (I managed to pop a rib out earlier...). But I have no annual leave left, so it'll have to be time off sick, with no pay. I feel like I'm finished, at 24, that this is the end of my working life, I just need to find the "good ending". It's a bit like Chrono Trigger, sure you can fight Lavos at level 1, on your own, but you will die. Maybe I need to do my side quests to get my ultimate armour and weapon... Who knows?

Feeling Adventurous!

I'll start with the events of Friday afternoon. It seems that a visit to RNOH Stanmore wasn't enough. I had a message on the landline that my new medical insoles were ready to collect. After having a 6 hour trip to a hospital just outside London, I didn't really like the idea of going yet another hospital, even of this one was a bit closer...

The other hospital, St Michael's, has been newly refurbished. But I've not had to go in that part (yet), I always have to go in the "Day Hospital" section. It's where I used to go for physiotherapy, but every time I've gone they've been no help at all. The orthotics team are always really nice though.

After the orthotics fitting (which are very uncomfortable), we went to Lidl next-door and traded over some buttons and pocket lint for various items of food and a drink for me (as I was dying from the heat. I could feel my mouth turning to sand, it was horrible.) So, overall, Friday was very hectic and it wiped me out.

Saturday wasn't anything interesting, I was dropped off in town by dad to meet up with Harry as usual. I bought loads of drinks and made Harry carry everything (as usual, sorry Haz!) and he kindly bought me lunch. I was feeling a bit adventurous, so in Subway I ordered double tuna (!) on wheat. the look on the Sandwich Artist's face was priceless, I guess no one orders double tuna...

We got a lift back from town and played about with the iPad for a while, playing various games (read: Canabalt) and we watched Ponyo. No matter how many times I see Ponyo, it's still a weird film. But it's a good film (as Ghibli films usually are). Harry left after that to head to DND, I don't know where he gets the energy, but I want some...

I was given a laptop to repair, there wasn't much wrong with it (software issues) I cleared them up, added some antivirus software and advert blocking software for firefox and sorted the wireless stuff out. I don't mind doing it when it's quick stuff like that, as I can just about cope and my fingers don't really need to be used that much (thank god)

Dinner, we ordered from our local Chinese takeaway, I had Cantonese sweet and sour pork with special fried chow mien. It was lovely, but went right through me as usual. Other than that, the evening was spent watching episodes of The IT Crowd, which is fantastic.

I'm laying in bed now and it's 1:50am. I'm feeling pretty miserable for some reason, but that's no change really. I'm pretty tired and want to sleep, yet at the same time I don't... It's been like that for the last couple of weeks now, this weird insomnia. I don't like it at all...

They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab...

...and I said "oh, ok then!"

Well, today's visit to RNOH Stanmore was interesting. I'm currently writing this on the way home (I'm on the M11), being shaken to bits with my iPad propped up against the dashboard of the car. The journey down wasn't as bad as I was expecting, but still pretty horrendous with the awful road surfaces. Being bounced around inside a car isn't fun!

The appointment itself was a pre-pre-consultation for a possible stay at the RNOH Stanmore rehab centre. I met a very nice doctor who went through all the ins and outs of Marfan Syndrome and did a few tests. He said that the rehab program would help me be able to manage my life better and to a more "normal" state. Which will be fantastic.

Basically, I'll spend 3 weeks in a large villa with a pool and personal trainers. Or as the doctor put it, I'll be staying in an older part of the hospital and will go through hydrotherapy and physiotherapy courses to help my proprioception and manage my dysautonomia. The environment will also help my mental state too, from the sound of it. When describing my mental state, the doctor ask if I was bipolar...

I don't think I'm bad enough (moodswing wise) to be bipolar, I just have very down "down periods" so my "mania" feels like that to me, because I'm hardly ever happy! He talked more about Marfans than he did Elhers Danlos, which has put me a little on edge, but I'll be ok. My blood pressure was a little low, pulse 97bpm, and I've lost about 3kg! Hopefully I can keep up the weight loss, I'll start taking my tablets again I think!

While in with the doctor, Dad was playing Flick Fishing HD on my iPad and getting a lot of attention about it apparently! The battery is currently sitting at 51%, which is amazing considering it's been used constantly for over 6 hours now. It's been surfing the Internet, playing games, typed on all while playing music and it's still pulling this kind of battery life. Amazing.

I haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon, so I'm incredibly hungry. I think it calls for a nice tomato-y pasta lunch or something! Dad's just flicked the AC on, at last. I love air conditioning, mmm, cold air!

Well, nearly home now, we're on the A120 as far as I know, just passing a broken down coach. There seems to be a lot of broken down cars and things lately, it must be the heat!

New Hospitals...

So, tomorrow I'm off to the Royal Orthopaedic Hospital Stanmore (ROHS). I'm not entirely sure what I'm going there for, but I've got to be there for 10am tomorrow morning. I don't like going to hospitals anyway, especially ones that are really far away, because I don't like travelling unless I really have to.

This week at work was really difficult to get through, as I haven't had much sleep since Saturday. It's not the actual work that's difficult, it's the sheer amount of it and the frustration I feel when I can't get it done. I don't like asking for help, least of all for work I've been given to do on my own.

Tomorrow, I'll be getting up early and spending most of my day on Twitter to try and cure my boredom, frustration and anxiety over going to yet another hospital. I don't know what I'll be doing there, but I imagine torture devices like racks and iron maidens to stretch me out and puncture holes in me! But who knows.

I'll have my phone and my iPad on hand to pass the time, the phone being used to give the iPad access to the Internet. Luckily I have a load of iPad games to pass the time, I expect tomorrow to be rather long...

I've just realised that somehow this post has taken nearly 3 hours to write. It's too hot again and the heat makes me feel ill rather quickly, I can't stand it. For some reason the heat was more bearable in America, it was different and less oppressive. I miss the cool breeze and the lovely days and swimming whenever I want, I wish I could have it here.

Well, bed for me, I actually need to sleep tonight to wake up early. So, goodnight!

1:45am Musings, or Why I Love My iPad

Ah, insomnia, it's been a while. I loath you, because you make everything worse. Fatigue, stress, pain, aches, clumsiness, everything. You even take away what little ability I have to concentrate... However, you make me realise how useful my iPad is. Like this blog post, I'm writing it while curled up on my bed as I'm much too warm. My window is opened wide, but there's no breeze tonight, so no cool air...

I haven't slept properly now since saturday and I'm starting to feel the effects. Everything hurts at the moment, skin, eyelashes, etc and I have minus levels of energy. It's horrible. Yesterday was an absolute nightmare, I had counselling first thing then work straight after. I can remember nothing about the day except for the vending machine in the hospital giving mum grief.

And today, all I can remember is the seemingly endless amount of work I had, which in the end I had help for (and will have to get the rest done tomorrow/today) which hopefully I'll have had some sleep by then. I'm starting to feel stressed too, not about work, but about hospital on Friday. A new hospital, another doctor telling me I need to loose weight, of course it's stressful. I hate hospitals, and I'm in them a lot...

Other than work, I don't know where today went. It's all a blur at the moment, which is not a good thing at all. I'm in one of those moments where I can't stand myself or being me. I want to be something, anything else, just so I can have a break... I managed to show all my holiday photos to a lady at work who had asked to see them too, and again, I wish I'd taken more...

But that brings me on to my iPad. I have never had a device or anything like this. It's something that allows me to communicate so effectively, and enables me to do things I'd otherwise struggle with. Sure it's not for everyone, but for me it's perfect. If only I could bung my t-mobile simcard in it, pair a Bluetooth headset and use it as a phone, then I wouldn't need anything else (well, maybe a jacket with bigger pockets!). Well, and my wallet, but technology wise I'd only need this.

Ah well, I'm feeling a bit miserable at the moment, away from Myriam, not feeling well, not liking the idea of a new hospital... Everything is very down at the moment and it's not good for me. Right, I'll try and get some sleep now and we'll see how Wednesday goes...

Today is Pyjama Day!

Well, it would've been had I not slept through most of it.

Today went like this, I woke up pretty late (around 1 this afternoon) feeling terrible and decided to grab some food. I made some noodles (bacon supernoodles!) I happily ate them and was told that Brother's friend would be over soon (soon meaning right at that moment) so begrudgingly I went back upstairs. I was feeling well enough to entertain a guest, plus I wanted a relaxed day. Basically, Pyjama Day was thwarted before it had begun...

I was upstairs for 5 minutes and IBS kicks in, I can tell it's not going to be a good day, generally if it acts up after I've eaten something, that's it for the rest of the day... I won't go into any more detail than that...

After getting some temporary relief from IBS, I go to bed then to sleep. I wake up at around 6:30 and think "hmm, maybe I should have dinner" I contemplate texting mum and asking her to bring something up for me, but I decided against it. I ventured down to see what was happening (and to see if Brother's friend was still about) and asked for some dinner.

Served myself some paella that mum had made earlier, heated it in the microwave and proceeded to go and eat it. It was pretty good, I finished and mum offered to take my tray back to the kitchen for me. Chocolat was on tv, so I hung about and watched it. I grabbed a cola sun lolly from the freezer and ate it while the film was on, getting ready to settle for the evening and watch tv downstairs.

Once the sun lolly was finished I decided on getting another one (they're cold and tasty, what can I say?) so I grabbed one and headed to the kitchen to cut it open. Upon returning to the living room, Brother's friend is there, sitting in my seat :( Rather awkwardly, I have to stand and eat my sun lolly, in my pyjamas, feeling ill in front of Brother's friend. Not happy.

I finished the sun lolly and decided that I should just go back to bed, seeing as the 6th member of the family was looking rather comfortable in my chair. I ran myself a bath (made it too hot and too full as always) I found some lavender and patchouli bath soak stuff and put some of that in (screw top jars/bottles/etc are becoming such a pain for my aching hands...)

I tried to relax, but it was just one of those days, that water was too hot, then too cold, then I ran out of hot water. Plus, the water wasn't taking away my aching, or the pain of the various pulled muscles I have...

I finished my bath and saw that it was about 9:35, I peer out of Brother's bedroom window to see if his friend's car was still there (it was) so I mooch back to my bedroom again and decide to write a blog post about my rather unfulfilling day. IBS kicked in, yet again, and so all of this was written on the go, on the iPad. I don't know if Brother's friend is still here or not, but I'm going to bed.

I hate days where I am a pile of pain and fail, especially when my skin aches and my stomach doesn't want to accept food. I feel like a skin sack full of bones and dying organs, not like a person at all... I also hate it when I'm not allowed to live (read: mooch about) in my own home, on a Sunday...

Weekend, England and Vuvuzelas

Well, there's the week gone, at last! Work wasn't too bad today, lots of work as usual, but I got most of it done. Spent most of the day half asleep and fighting to stay awake, until my shoulder/collar bone decided to go for a walk. It's really painful as I think I've pulled a muscle and it doesn't want to go back right. It went about 30 minutes before it was time to go home, typical really...

Tonight is going to be a nightmare, seeing as I'm in England and it's England who are playing tonight in the World Cup. I'm indifferent when it comes to football, I can't play it and I couldn't care less when it comes to watching it. It's not my thing at all. However, everyone else in the house and the neighbours will be watching it, and loudly... So it calls for noise cancelling headphones while the match is on and possibly all weekend if they lose!

Now, while on the subject of the World Cup, I must bring something up about these vuvuzela things. First of all, I honestly thought it was a typo of Venezuela or something like that, seeing as there's been a lot of weird stuff trending on Twitter lately (as well as a lot of stuff with spelling mistakes in it). Then as people started talking about them more I had no idea what they were (hence the jokes about it sounding like a woman's private parts) but it turns out that a vuvuzela is some sort of horn that makes an awful racket.

From what I've seen of the World Cup so far, I don't know how people can stand to watch it with that noise going on, it sounds like a huge swarm of bees attacking a chalkboard! It's a horrible noise, and I hear they're now selling them over here in their thousands... Not good.

This evening I want to get my letter finished and packed up ready to post, but it all depends on how I'm feeling and if I want to sleep early... I hate days like this, where I have no energy and I ache, as it means there's no time for me to do what I want :(

Thursdays...

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I hate Thursdays. If anything bad was going to happen, it'd happen on a Thursday and this week is no exception to the rule. It started by not having anything to drink, all day! Mum forgot to pack me a drink this morning, but that doesn't happen often! Then the vending machine decided it didn't take £1 coins... Other than that, work wasn't all bad...

I had my first training victim volunteer today, and it was quite successful (and will hopefully lessen my workload in the next couple of weeks!) I was quite surprised how easy I found it to train someone, and how good people find my notes. I'm glad! So the day started off well. Then I was given over 200 forms for individual retirements and whatnot. I like to get the day's urgent stuff done at least, but not when there's that much! Luckily I have help, but the panic still wants to set in... Not only that, but my phone decided to overheat in my pocket and sent itself into a reboot loop, meaning I had to take the battery out and leave it on my desk in front of the fan to cool down... Moments that make me wish I'd stuck with an iPhone...

So anyway, having not had a drink for over 5 hours and having to train someone and getting loads of work to do AND my phone messing about, Thursday was getting a bit annoying. I get home to find a letter from the Tribunal Service, information about my disability living allowance claim. Unanimously, they decided that I only need the lowest tier of care, again. How rubbish is that? When I reapply for it next year, I can use all the new information I've gained to hopefully get a bit more. I'll talk to my GP about getting a "blue badge" for parking close to shops and things, because it'd be useful.

Right now, I'm eating Lady Claire hand cooked potato chips, they're nice but still don't quite cover the disappointment that has been today. I dare not touch the PS3 today, as no doubt, something will go wrong... I might pick up where I left Tales of Vesperia on the xbox though (seeing as Dad has about 7 repaired xboxes left and soon to have a new one on preorder, we have spares if I break mine... Or Dad could always fix it!) Also, a game has come out for the iPad that I've been desperately waiting for, but it's come out at ten times the price of the iPhone version (59p for the iPhone one, £5.99 for the iPad version) It's a joke how some companies take advantage...

On a positive note though, Thursday is nearly finished and Friday should be a lot better. Less of the dehydration for a start and hopefully no more bad news from benefit people... I'm going to write my letter tonight, as I have two lovely boxes of chocolates, but I still have no idea what to say. Maybe just a huge "OMG THANKS!! CAN HAS CHOCCIES :3" will do? But I want to put across how grateful I am and how inspired I feel reading his letter.

I can't wait for the weekend... Why can't it always be the weekend?

Tuesday... The Week is Dragging Already...

Man, work today was a struggle. My back gave up on me last night and I didn't get a very good sleep last night either. So today, I get into work 5 minutes late and then have to train someone. I don't mind training people (I've never done it before, plus I'm going to have to train someone before I leave...) but it's difficult when the internet goes down and takes out the whole system at the same time...

Basically, the day dragged on and I thought to myself about what I could be doing rather than sitting in a chair, in an office, looking at a blank computer screen (seeing as there's no work I can do anymore) I think this was the "thinking long and hard" thing that the Occupational Health nurse suggested that I did. My conclusion? Certainty that I want to enjoy my life rather than work. I want to spend the time to get fit and able to live comfortably. Sure money will be tight as I'm not working, but I'll manage somehow.

I got the ring I ordered for Myriam today and it's beautiful. I bought it to replace the one I bought her years ago, as the silver has worn through. This ring has five actual diamonds in it (tiny ones, total weight is like 4pt, so not a lot!) and the "wishbone" design is really quite nice. The metal this time is gold, but Myriam and I both find gold a bit gaudy, so it's white gold (which, ironically is cheaper than "real" gold). I've taken some photos of it, one of which is over to the side there. I hope she likes it (she picked, so I hope it's as nice as she expects!) because I think it's a very beautiful ring!

I also managed to play Red Dead Redemption online last night for the first time! (after many attempts over the last week, that is) and it was fantastic fun. I can't wait for the co-op DLC that's supposed to hit. The game is really growing on me now and after the patch, the bugs seem to be dropping pretty quickly which is awesome! Now I just need the time to play it! It's a shame there isn't a mobile version of the game, like an iPad version, similar to GTA III on the PS2... Although, GTA Vice City would be awesome on the iPad. That was my favourite one after all!

Which reminds me, I haven't started my Thank You letter yet (it's still in the planning stages!) because it needs to be just as awesome as the letter I received and it needs to be more than just a simple "thank you". I hope to start it tomorrow, but we'll see! If it's anything like this blog post, it'll take me hours to write!

Well, that's me for today. I'm already sitting in bed, completely exhausted, I'll probably have a lay down in a bit to sleep off some of this ache.

What a Way to Start the Week

I have a letter to write and a huge thank you to give to Mr Rich Rosado at Rockstar, for not only sending me the most wonderful letter I've ever read, but for the 'small gifts' too. I am touched beyond words and a little bit hyper at the moment, so I'll wait before writing a reply. I never expected anything so amazing when Rockstar said they would send me something for my trouble.

I feel embarrassed to mention the gifts (especially on twitter!) as they are beyond words, but I'll stick a photo up of them. I honestly can't believe it. Certainly made today a lot more enjoyable, and to think, I was going to sleep when I got home!

Edit: Here are the photos :) I've definitely gone back to being a Rockstar fanboy, hehe! Click on the picture to go to the album!

Layout Update!

My blog has changed ever so slightly, the new template designer thing that Blogger has doesn't work properly with Safari 5, so I had to use Chrome to sort all the layout stuff. While here, I need to apologise for the Twilight fanfic, it was a joke I was playing on Myriam over MSN, I was trying to convince her that it was the story I'm writing (it's not!) and I was trying to make it more and more outrageous as it went on!

I quite like the new design, when you first come to read the blog it's a wash of greys, but more colour appears the more you read, I think it's quite nice. I also managed to fix the width issues I was having with it before with the old layout so now it looks fantastic on the iPad too! :) lovely.

On to regular scheduled broadcasting! Yesterday was a movie night at George and Kerry's house, aside from me, Heather, Dan and Doug turned up and it was quite a nice evening (even if it did make me ill...) we watched Sherlock Holmes and I, Robot but spent most of the time talking (or in Dan's case, whinging that he couldn't watch the football...) I think poor George wanted to watch Sherlock Holmes...

My Twilight fanfic was subject for discussion, thanks to Dan reading it aloud rather dramatically, I must admit, it was pretty hilarious as it went on - maybe ridiculous fanfictions are where I should spend my time after all (but not quite so graphic I think!) all in all, it was a lovely evening and I was completely exhausted when I got home.

Today will be spent laying in bed, writing more of my story and then maybe having something to eat later. I need a bed day I think, to prepare for going back to work tomorrow! It's not that I don't like work, it's just a huge drain on me mentally and physically and unfortunately it's just getting worse! I'm hoping for it to end sooner rather than later so I can get my health to some sort of stable level.

Unable to Work

I had my Occupational Health review today (yesterday, technically) and most of it consisted of me showing the nurse my iPad (well, she had a play with it) I showed her the photos of my holiday and told her about getting sick with pneumonia while I was there. Talking to Myriam earlier makes me realise just how ill I was, seeing as how that last week was a complete blur...

Once I got my iPad back from the nurse we discussed my options and my inability to directly say "I do not want to work" I told her my plan of what I want to do once I (inevitably) leave work, which is to learn more (online courses or evening courses), join a gym and gain "core stability" to improve my well being and my body's ability to stay in one piece. I'll become fit by swimming and when able, cycling (but not far, probably just to the shop at the top of the road and then to the pool if I am able.)

The meeting was positive, saying that I need to have a good plan in place to show HR as well as my bosses next week when we have a meeting about my "options" (of which, I'll choose the one that benefits me the most, as per OH's rather obvious advice) I want to go down the medical route, and show the doctor that I'm not fit to work and unfortunately never will be. I know that once I have substantial time off (say a year/two)  I will not want to go back to work as I'll be too set into a routine and still won't be well enough to sustain a job for very long.

I just need to see it in my head that I'm not quitting or failing as I believe that I am, at the moment. I don't want to work because I need to stop working, yet at the same time I don't want to stop working because it's been driven into me that I need to earn a living and that I need to have a career. Sadly it's not a career I need, but eventually a carer, it's only a letter different...

The rest of the day at work was teetering on the edge of a full-blown panic attack for some reason, that manic feeling just before one comes on, like you want to rip open your own chest and burst out... All day I felt like that and it was horrible. I wonder if I have manic depression at times with regard to my mood swings, but that's not up to me to say, it's up to people who know me to judge my moods...

Anyway, it's time for bed now and I'm sure I'll blog again... well, in the near future at least!

That's a Strange Looking Sub...

Counselling this morning wasn't too bad, apparently I've made quite good progress with trying to keep positive, which is good. Sadly I don't feel too positive a lot of the time, but that's being worked on. I didn't get much sleep last night, what with the heat and the car alarm that went off at about 2am.

There was also the idea for a story which crept into my head keeping me awake. Now, I've not written anything for years now, so having the idea of characters, a plot, setting, etc was quite a surprise. I jotted it all down on the iPad and started to type it up this morning. I don't know if it'll be any good (Myriam always whinges about my writing and in the end I feel like giving up) but I might as well try!

When I got home from the hospital I felt like having something different for lunch, so I ordered from Dominos. Originally, some chicken strippers, a "breakfast" sub (bacon, sausage, mushroom and brown sauce) and belgian waffles ordered online. The second I placed the order I got a phone call from the store saying how they didn't get any ingredients for the subs today and offered me a small pizza for no extra cost. I asked for a simple pepperoni pizza instead of the sub. When it all arrived, the pizza box label read "Sub order". Funny looking sub, but it was tasty all the same. The waffles were excellent and the chicken strippers really hit the spot.

This afternoon, I'm watching Book of Eli and I'll get what I can of this story written up, hopefully the first chapter or two. As I already have the idea for the first 5 chapters, I think I can get quite a way into the story before I show it to anyone (and before they have the chance to moan and make me rewrite the whole thing like what happened last time).

I still have about half of this pizza left, it's eyeing me and I want to eat it, but for the time being I'll leave it. I quite enjoy cold pizza and it might be nice to eat while watching Cloverfield on Channel 4 later.

Achievement Received!

This week was filled with achievements, ranging from going back to being part time at work (thank god!) to the epic things such as managing to eat both a Müller Rice and a cream slice with a spork (on separate occasions, of course!) I love cream slices. I've also started to read The Hobbit (finally) I'm reading it on my iPad and I'm really loving the iPad's screen for books, even though I thought I would get eye strain pretty quickly from reading.

Bank Holiday Monday was spent watching a film I never really would've considered watching had it not been for a triple-threat combo pack (DVD/Bluray/Digital Copy). Where the Wild Things Are is a beautiful film, it's one of those that really makes you think about how children deal with issues and how they cope with difficult situations. I thought it was a really clever film, if a little rushed, but it was nice to see suits and animatronics (touched up with CG) rather than JUST the computer imagery like a lot of films are these days.

I also bought a film I watched on the plane on the way home, Book of Eli (sadly ONLY on Bluray), I haven't watched it yet, but it's a film with two actors I really enjoy watching so it was a hit for me, even though the film wasn't "the most amazing film ever" Generally I'll watch something if it has Gary Oldman or Denzel Washington in it as they both have really good screen presence and Gary Oldman can play such a wide variety of roles.

There was no Steam Mac update this week, much to everyone's surprise (Team Fortress 2 was expected), and the lack of information from Valve was extremely frustrating. It amazes me how a company can write off their new userbase after only 3 weeks after releasing software, the lack of support is shocking but apparently "to be expected" seeing as Valve's own developer wiki states something called "Valve Time" which is surprising...

On the note of customer services, Rockstar really brought their reputation up with me this week (after it dropped pretty hard) as I bought Red Dead Redemption for the PS3 and was plagued with issues. When I whinged on Twitter about it, Rockstar replied and tried to walk me through how to fix it and have even asked if they can send me something to apologise for my issues! That kind of service is amazing and I feel that little things like that go a long way. It's like with T-Mobile, they've guaranteed me staying with their service thanks to their customer support.

Thanks to the lack of Valve giving me TF2 this week I've been playing Red Dead Redemption and I've been loving it, despite my hate of westerns and the like. I can't quite explain why I love it though, maybe it's because I can go out into the wilderness and hunt animals or search for plants? I don't know, but I love it. The graphics are a bit weak on the PS3 (I think it's a 640p base converted to 720p which is why it looks like it does...) but forcing myself to ignore that I'm loving it.

I've also been playing The War of Eustrath on the iPad. The game is very much like Fire Emblem and Advance Wars, but with robots (like Gundams or Knight Frames in Code Geass) and for a small game that cost me £2, I am stunned. Sure there are some spelling errors and bad English here and there ("I am the bests of the best" comes to mind) and the map graphics look quite low resolution, but the gameplay mechanics and everything else is top notch. I couldn't love the game more! I'm just stuck at the moment as I'm up against an enemy that can one-shot all my units, grr!

Dad also had his back operation this week, having electrodes put in his back and having some nerves killed off... It's just that the surgeon couldn't find the nerves and had to make several holes in his back, making him look like he was compatible with VESA wallmounts for TVs... Hopefully it's helping him, but he doesn't talk much and nor have I been around him long enough to see if it has made him less cranky or not...

I have my revised appointment with Occupational Health at work this week and hopefully this will be the one recommending that I stop work, because I feel ready for it now. I want to get on and become healthy and fitter and enjoy what I can of life rather than living to work like I am now. After that, in a couple of weeks I'm down at the Royal Orthopaedic Hospital Stanmore for spinal rehabilitation, which will hopefully cure my scoliosis and help me to walk properly again. I'm a bit on edge about that appointment as it's in London and I need to get there for 10am... I'm not looking forward to it at all.

Right now, I'm watching Kung Fu Hustle on TV, it's a silly film, but an enjoyable one. I'll probably watch that and fall asleep in the middle, as I need to watch something silly to keep my mind off going to the hospital tomorrow and talking to my counsellor/psychotherapist. No doubt he'll want me to go in-depth about my holiday and how I felt about getting ill and having to see the doctor there, etc. I'm not looking forward to it at all, nor the fact I have to be up ridiculously early (what, 7am is early for me!) to get to the hospital...

Before Bed Blogging

I'm still playing catarrh hero for the time being, what with a dastardly head cold currently blitzing away at me, however the nastier stuff has gone (thank god). Today was my first day back at work as whole-time for quite a while and initially I was feeling optimistic about the whole thing. Reality however, was a different animal. Working for seven and a half hours with only a thirty minute break in the middle just isn't the right thing for me, I'm dead after five hours.

It's not the work that tires me out, I don't mind the work at all, it's everything else combined that I can't cope with. I just can't do 16-18 hour days and spending eight hours of that working is a sure fire way of killing me very quickly. I wish I could work, but I'm just not able to and that depresses me. It depresses me that I don't have anyone to talk to at work and it also depresses me that I'm not with Myriam now.

As awful as it sounds, not working would be a huge benefit to me. It would enable me to get my life on track with getting fitter and have time for hospital visits. I'm already down to six days annual leave remaining and it's only June. Two months into the working year and I've managed to use 16 days allowance as well as have a week off sick. I can't keep this up, I just can't. Not working would also give me more time to go to America, as well as having a comfortable quality of life (which I'm not getting right now)

I'm also feeling properly depressed for the first time in ages. I think it's everything added together that's getting me down at the moment, work especially. I do worry that maybe the pills aren't working as well as they should be, but things suggest that the pills are working because I can see that I'm depressed or starting to get depressed rather than get consumed by it. I wish it would go away so I could at least have some form of ignorance, or peace at least...

Well anyway, it's best that I try and go to sleep now (I'm already in bed, thanks to the iPad!) Goodnight.