I'm still playing catarrh hero for the time being, what with a dastardly head cold currently blitzing away at me, however the nastier stuff has gone (thank god). Today was my first day back at work as whole-time for quite a while and initially I was feeling optimistic about the whole thing. Reality however, was a different animal. Working for seven and a half hours with only a thirty minute break in the middle just isn't the right thing for me, I'm dead after five hours.
It's not the work that tires me out, I don't mind the work at all, it's everything else combined that I can't cope with. I just can't do 16-18 hour days and spending eight hours of that working is a sure fire way of killing me very quickly. I wish I could work, but I'm just not able to and that depresses me. It depresses me that I don't have anyone to talk to at work and it also depresses me that I'm not with Myriam now.
As awful as it sounds, not working would be a huge benefit to me. It would enable me to get my life on track with getting fitter and have time for hospital visits. I'm already down to six days annual leave remaining and it's only June. Two months into the working year and I've managed to use 16 days allowance as well as have a week off sick. I can't keep this up, I just can't. Not working would also give me more time to go to America, as well as having a comfortable quality of life (which I'm not getting right now)
I'm also feeling properly depressed for the first time in ages. I think it's everything added together that's getting me down at the moment, work especially. I do worry that maybe the pills aren't working as well as they should be, but things suggest that the pills are working because I can see that I'm depressed or starting to get depressed rather than get consumed by it. I wish it would go away so I could at least have some form of ignorance, or peace at least...
Well anyway, it's best that I try and go to sleep now (I'm already in bed, thanks to the iPad!) Goodnight.
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