Unable to Work

I had my Occupational Health review today (yesterday, technically) and most of it consisted of me showing the nurse my iPad (well, she had a play with it) I showed her the photos of my holiday and told her about getting sick with pneumonia while I was there. Talking to Myriam earlier makes me realise just how ill I was, seeing as how that last week was a complete blur...

Once I got my iPad back from the nurse we discussed my options and my inability to directly say "I do not want to work" I told her my plan of what I want to do once I (inevitably) leave work, which is to learn more (online courses or evening courses), join a gym and gain "core stability" to improve my well being and my body's ability to stay in one piece. I'll become fit by swimming and when able, cycling (but not far, probably just to the shop at the top of the road and then to the pool if I am able.)

The meeting was positive, saying that I need to have a good plan in place to show HR as well as my bosses next week when we have a meeting about my "options" (of which, I'll choose the one that benefits me the most, as per OH's rather obvious advice) I want to go down the medical route, and show the doctor that I'm not fit to work and unfortunately never will be. I know that once I have substantial time off (say a year/two)  I will not want to go back to work as I'll be too set into a routine and still won't be well enough to sustain a job for very long.

I just need to see it in my head that I'm not quitting or failing as I believe that I am, at the moment. I don't want to work because I need to stop working, yet at the same time I don't want to stop working because it's been driven into me that I need to earn a living and that I need to have a career. Sadly it's not a career I need, but eventually a carer, it's only a letter different...

The rest of the day at work was teetering on the edge of a full-blown panic attack for some reason, that manic feeling just before one comes on, like you want to rip open your own chest and burst out... All day I felt like that and it was horrible. I wonder if I have manic depression at times with regard to my mood swings, but that's not up to me to say, it's up to people who know me to judge my moods...

Anyway, it's time for bed now and I'm sure I'll blog again... well, in the near future at least!