What a Rubbish Couple of Days...

I don't know if it's the heat or what, but at the moment living is hard. Work is virtually impossible thanks to fatigue and I feel incredibly frustrated about almost everything. I've been asked by my psychotherapist to write down my feelings, to try and reconnect with them again, but how am I supposed to write what I feel if I only feel negative things most of the time? Isn't that what depression is?

For example, I can only resign from work at the moment, seeing as Occupational Health feel I can work "at some point in time" but not at the moment (which surely is the one that counts, right?) Well, situations have changed and my rehab will take longer than I anticipated (seeing as it's a life course, rather than a cure) so as you can imagine, I had a bit of a shock on tuesday!

Work is getting too much for me at the moment with everything that's going on, I just can't focus on it and I'm making mistakes. It's not the work at all, it's my highly unstable mental attitude to things. I'm so quick to jump to the negative and let it twist and control my thoughts and let them slide to dark places, even while I'm taking all these pills. It's unbearable some days, even Myriam noticed it when I was with her, my mood darkens from a mere glance or gust of wind.

When I'm happy though, I feel as though I'm bouncing off the walls, and that in itself is unbearable too. I'm more likely (ironically) to cause myself harm when I'm happy, because I will always do too much and cause myself some form of injury or problems. I know I shouldn't be working, I knew it when I was diagnosed with depression on top of everything else. But what can I do? I can't resign, because I'll lose all the help and support I have now as well as any benefits I can claim when I'm out of work.

I need to take some time off to clear my head, again, because I can't cope with this situation and I am in too much pain to get up and work every day (I managed to pop a rib out earlier...). But I have no annual leave left, so it'll have to be time off sick, with no pay. I feel like I'm finished, at 24, that this is the end of my working life, I just need to find the "good ending". It's a bit like Chrono Trigger, sure you can fight Lavos at level 1, on your own, but you will die. Maybe I need to do my side quests to get my ultimate armour and weapon... Who knows?