Ah, the ebb and flow of insomnia.
It's currently 4:19am and I need to be at hospital in 4 and a half hours (leaving in about 4). It's a standard counselling, but more of a "it's been three weeks, how are you doing?" type thing. I see it as 50 minutes of me talking nonsense about things that generally don't matter (such as my life), but maybe it has helped me, I don't know. I generally feel frustrated inside my own body, being rather feminine minded (deep down that is, public image is serious business after all), but I'm learning to embrace that. I just wish I was closer to my friends, the ones I have left anyway. I really want to be a better friend to the people I care about, but I think I've missed that chance to be honest.
There are better things to do than google your own name and find that most of my results are about an 80s popstar (who is of opposing gender!). These better things include googling the names of people you haven't spoken to in a while to see what they are up to. Ha, but I'm being silly - I don't google my own name because I don't want to know what people think of me. I probably have an Encyclopedia Dramatica/Wikipedia/Urban Dictionary [delete as appropriate] article written about me from one of my evil exes. No, this isn't going to be drivel about what I regret or things I wish I could change, because that's all in the past. At least my evil exes don't have a "league" (I only have two, but that's enough!) I do have several evil ex-friends though, bleh, I shudder at the thought of them getting together. But I doubt anyone cares enough, luckily.
Back to not wanting to know what others think of me, my own mum said people find me irritating "for some reason". Fair enough, but it was a bit of a shock! I don't see that many people, so to know that most of them find me irritating means there's no point to actively seek meeting people! But you know where that's going. In fact, this blog probably irritates someone somewhere, maybe one of the people who I consider googling reads this. Ha, I doubt that - I don't think anyone reads this! Do they? Do you? If you do, please comment, I'd love to know! But please don't tell me I'm irritating, I'm already shocked from mum giving it to me quite bluntly. Believe me, my chronic sense of sarcasm still exists, but not in all it's glory as it once did (again, most of that was public image anyway). I'm much more docile these days, I feel.
Anyway, away from the attention seeking/cry for help/self loathing for a second (don't worry, we'll get right back to that soon enough), it's 4:45 now and I still don't feel tired at all. I've gone back to playing Saints Row 2 for a bit, it's really a good game, plus it's distracting enough for me. I find that I get easily distracted, but there aren't many things that can distract me and hold my attention, yet I seem to have a relatively low attention span as it is. That's what I get for needing all these prescription drugs I guess, or it's because I'm running from myself. I don't know, there's probably a philosophy in there somewhere. Confucius say: he who has low attention... Oh, a kitty!
I had a strange dream last night. I fell asleep as I heard someone downstairs making noise (I think it was mum) which is what I think caused it. I dreamt that someone had broken in to the house and startled the dog, causing her to raise hell. This woke me and prompted me to investigate what was going on. When getting downstairs, I saw that the intruder had killed my dog (brutally) and was standing with his back to me. I managed to get a knife somehow (and a large one too!) and managed to cut his leg. I tied him to the floor, went to the kitchen and grabbed a towel and a saucepan full of water. Funny how I'm not "disabled" in my dreams, anyway, I then wrapped the towel around his head so it covered his nose and mouth and then I water boarded him! My dreams worry me, but I'm sure psychiatrists would have a field day with them!
It's 5am now and I can feel that fuzz in my head when I know the ADs have worn off, it's a weird feeling. Although it's weird, I don't feel any different in my head, I still have the clear thoughts and rational thinking; but there's a lot more fear that I have less control over my mind, as strange as that sounds. To counter the fear I'm trying to think of positives, I've ordered myself some t-shirts which I'm excited about (I'm a whore for merchandise, hint hint!) and also Scott Pilgrim vs The World finally opens in the uk and I can't wait to see it! Further positives include the new Fallout in October, my stay at RNOH Stanmore (I'm hoping for help with coping) and of course, Myriam, my "Ramona Flowers" visiting next year. I can't wait for that, I really want to savour our time together as we really don't have enough of it.
I'm hungry now, but I'll give sleep another try. Some sleep is better than none after all! Well, here's to Monday, the start of a new week and who knows what it'll bring!
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