Misery...

I am feeling miserable. This isn't going to be a fun blog post, but I want to write down my feelings. The last week, I've been going over my feelings properly. I've been dissecting them and working out how they feel and what they are, then I came to 'happiness' and I stopped. I couldn't work out what happiness was at all. All I could come across was times when I get a bit hyper, when my thoughts race and I'm irritable and bouncing off the walls. When talking to the HMSA about this, it turns out it might be periods of mania. When I'm like this, I always seem to be able to control myself without going 'too far' but sometimes I slip and say things I don't mean.

Anyway, I had a really scary experience yesterday that I really wish to forget. I am depressed as it is, but I was excited about going out to celebrate Heather's birthday at a restaurant I hadn't been to before. I have been excited while depressed before, I was when I saw A-Team the other day, but this was different. My thoughts were racing and I was irritable on top of being excited, but I was still feeling down. I can't explain it, but it was as though I was both depressed AND hyper/manic at the same time. It was terrifying, and trying to keep on top of it and not let it take over was exhausting when I was actually at the meal. And then it just stopped and I felt worse, I got hit with an extra hard dose of depression. I felt as though I had done something awful and I felt ashamed of existing, that I was something disgusting. I couldn't even look at my friends, I tried to join in and carry on, but my mind wasn't there at all.

When the meal ended and we each broke off. I came home and chatted to Myriam for a bit then went to sleep, I had no motivation at all for painkillers or the other pills I take before bed, it was just sleep. When I woke up, it had just gone 4am and I was feeling like I was floating and I couldn't get back to sleep because I had so much energy. I played DragonQuest IX on my DS for literally hours until I felt tired at about 9am and I went back to sleep. Finally when I woke up it was gone 3pm and I was feeling miserable again. Everything seemed to go so slowly, it literally felt like 5 minutes had passed before my clock went from 15:29 to 15:30 and I could feel my brain almost melting.

I am worried, that if I talk to my GP about this that I'll be complaining about my happiness, but at the same time I don't know if 'happiness' should last a day or so then lead to a double/worse dose of depression for about a week afterward. I'm also terrified that I'm not sure what's going on in my head. How would my GP react, would he think that I was being silly for being almost paranoid about my 'happiness' and that it's got to the point where my head is so confused I don't know which way is up. I'm scared of talking about it really, it's like I don't know what is going on in my mind.

I've always seen "bipolar" as a card angsty teens use as a defence and I don't want it as a label at all. I don't want any labels at all, but I already have Elhers-Danlos and depression and a few others. I hate that things seem to constantly evolve. Doctors have mentioned before that I might be bipolar, but I've always been quick to tell them that I've been diagnosed with depression. I think at the same time, I don't want to go down that road because I'm scared that I might lose my happiness, or that there are other things wrong with me. I understand that it's something I don't have to tell anyone about, but I like to be open with my friends and my family and the prospect of being 'that person' scares me.

I don't know what to do, I really don't. I'm 'doubly' depressed at the moment, so all these thoughts might just be my imagination and I hate going over and analysing all the times I've felt happy, I don't want to do that. I've always thought that I was a hypochondriac, and told that as well, so that thought is still deep down. That I imagine these feelings and that they're not really there, that they're just in my head (understandably, depression/etc are in my head, but you know what I mean!) so I'm constantly second-guessing everything. What I'll do, is sleep on it and talk to my counsellor in the morning and see if he can advise; what a fantastic last session this will be...