It's 6:30am on a Friday, I have a seriously shitty sinus/inner ear infection, that is really irritating as it's pretty much stuffed up all my plans this week. In exactly 3 hours, I'll be getting "evaluated" on my mental condition to see if it expands into the bipolar spectrum, great. I am not looking forward to this appointment at all, I hope the doctor is nice as I'm really feeling pretty low after last night. No dreams or anything weird, just uncomfortable, really uncomfortable. It's like my brain is spinning in my head and has no idea which way is up at all.
Some good news for today though, I should get my "Triple-Play" edition of Prince of Persia today and maybe some new magic cards. I think I'm more likely to get the cards next week as Scar of Mirrodin comes out "officially" today, hmm, I don't know! I can't wait to make this Myr deck though, it's going to be awesome! I have some new t-shirts ordered too, I even have one pre-ordered which comes out at the end of the month! I'm such a sucker for awesome t-shirts.
That's about as much nerdery as you'll get out if me this morning, because I want to talk about something I haven't really talked about before here. Well, I have, but just in passing glances. My "condition" as it is overall, sucks. Fair enough I don't look sick, but there are lots of conditions like that. My "first base" day to day strategy at the moment is to get out of bed and get dressed, even if I end up getting back in. Most of my life at the moment is spent in bed! I try to walk to the shop at the top of the road once every couple of days and I also spend an hour in town once a week. On an exciting week, I'll head to one of many hospitals to be sarcastic at one of the doctors. I hate hospitals and they make me very defensive for some reason.
My life is fairly boring and uninteresting, but I can't do anything else. My mentality swings between depression where I don't want to do anything and being hyper where I try to do too much. Out of every condition there is, I personally hate mine. I hate having Elhers-Danlos, I hate knowing I have it and I hate knowing I'm "wrong" some sort of freakish misfit, because even in EDS circles I'm weird because I'm a guy. I have a 1 in 250,000 condition that's an 80/20 female/male split, even though it seems more like 95/5 at times.
My balance for life sessions are to gain me core stability, which I am really up for and excited to do, but my body doesn't want to do it. My muscles can work much, much heavier weights I use there, but my joints can't because that's where the problems lie, not my muscles. Sure I need to lose weight, but don't most of us? My weight is strange, if I weighed my "average" weight for my height I'd look freakish with my long arms and legs. I know there is no such thing as "normal" because each of us have something wrong with us, whether we know it or not, but I would rather have something else than this.
I don't like pain, I'm a complete wuss, yet I'm stubborn when it comes to painkillers. I prefer having mental function even at the cost of chronic pain. People I meet and tell "I can dislocate pretty much anything" look at me with a look of disbelief and suspicion which means I then need to prove it. When I do it's then a "oh god, don't do that" reaction as if it's a party trick and I can't stand it, what else can I do when you don't believe the condition actually exists? It's a double edged sword because although it proves my case, it causes me more pain, but I have to laugh it off and act as though it's nothing. I hate it.
Back to last night, I woke up finding my top half hanging out of bed and my back in immense pain, this was at about 4am, so I flopped out bed and rearranged everything, got back in bed and went to sleep. Then I woke up 20 minutes later as I had managed to roll my head into a funny position. Huge sigh. This final time of waking at 6:whatever, I had managed to roll onto my side, but the bedsprings had managed to embed themselves in my ribs, meaning they stayed as I rolled over. I don't care who you are, that really fucking hurts. The sad thing is, EDS is something I grew up with, believing it was normal, growing pains, etc and I'm now left with scars where my skin has stretched too far. I have scars everywhere, but they don't bother me, because they've always been there. I do feel a bit ashamed of them, though as it's the only physical evidence I have (save for dislocated fingers).
I have been depressed on and off for the majority of my life, I always have been down. I don't know if that's what makes me "self contained" and reluctant to branch out to other people or what, but all I really know is various levels of down and only two forms of "up" one of which I can't stand as I feel like I'm travelling a million miles an hour while not moving and the other is the feeling I have with Myriam. I need to find another up level that I can attain myself, that doesn't include comfort things such as buying stuff or eating Pot Noodles, but how can I?
My body and mind are very separate things, I think they need to be in some respects, but this leads to me being completely oblivious about a lot of things that uses senses. I told Myriam the other day, that I feel next to no sexual desire and I feel really awful as I really hurt her. It's not her fault I'm not sexually attracted to anything and I wish I could change that, for her. I think it might be something I lost when my body and mind became two distinct things rather than one, it's made me this grey thing and I feel almost soulless because of it.
Myriam, however, unlike anyone else, fascinates me, I want to know everything, mentally and physically about her, and I want to desire her so I can love her as completely as I can, but I don't know how. I don't think I can't, I just think that my mind has been in this place for so long that I've forgotten how. I am lustful when I'm hyper though, but again I don't know if that's forced out because I can't control my emotions at the time.
I hope I get something out of today's "evaluation", I really do. No doubt I'll be blogging again later with my experience and my finding as I really need to do this more. It's not an excuse, but blogging is hard for me. I find it hard to talk about these things unless I'm half-asleep or it's entirely impersonal (which is the majority of my posts) they're never about feelings or how they affect me, always emotionless and unfeeling. I'll try to spread out some feeling now.
I miss Myriam, I miss her mind and her being there. I miss her physically too, her touches and how different she is from me. I miss her attention too, I think that's the worst of it, but attention from anyone else wouldn't be the same. I also like to spend money, I like to have things that are fun or that can distract me. I feel excited by new things and I don't have that feeling enough. I also get excited by food, which seems to be really taboo these days, because eating makes you fat. I love bacon sandwiches but I always try to do too much too them. Plus bread makes you fat (bread makes you fat?!) sorry, I had to! Any chance I get and I will quote my favourite film. It only took my whole life so far to find one... I can't wait for my new Magic the Gathering cards, I love the art and the idea of cooking up strategies in my head is really exciting, plus it's a distraction and it's fun.
I wish I could get excited about people more than I do about things. Maybe that'll be different in the lead up to Myriam's visit, which I can't wait for. I would fast forward life right now, if I could, to her visit.
Bah, even typing this on my iPad, my shitty fingers couldn't do it in one go, but at least it's done! Until later, self-indulgent rambling done.
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