6:36am Realisations

I've been up over 2 hours now, I made myself a cup of tea and downed some painkillers to take the edge off this sheer pain I seem to be feeling at the moment. I finished my tea and decided not to bother trying to sleep again, so I queued up some movies and kicked back.

During watching Princess and the Frog earlier, I thought to myself "I wish I could watch this with Myriam" and then it hit me just how much I miss her. I miss her insane warmth and her flailing arms and legs when we slept together, I miss the way the pillows smelt of her hair and mostly I miss her company and the closeness I had with her. On top of feeling ill I ache for her to be near me and I have no idea how she can cope with this.

I keep saying repeatedly that something feels missing and I realise now, that it's the constant touching and attention I got from her. Feeling as though I was the only person in the world and I loved that, I loved being adored by her and it makes me sad that at times I couldn't show her the same even though I most certainly felt it.

This last couple of weeks, being rather sick, my sense of time and reality has been a bit warped - I seem to react to things slower and be unable to think properly, all I can do is whinge and I don't deny it. I whinge a lot anyway, but everything that comes out of my mouth these last two weeks has either been a groan of some kind, frustration-laced nonsense or just place nastiness and I hate it. I also can't blow my nose fast enough before it's congested again, I can't taste anything, my hearing is muffled, my chest aches and hurts when I breathe and I just can't seem to get enough air most of the time. I hate this so much.

So now how do I feel? I feel alone, upset and sick. I feel upset that Myriam isn't within walking distance, she's 3600 miles away, which in turn makes me feel really alone, without that adoration and constant acknowledgement I miss. And no matter how hard I try, I'm still sick and I've never been this sick before, but at least I'm getting the hang of using an inhaler...

I'm watching 2012 now, feeling the distance even more. I'm also starting to feel that my life isn't fair, even after the saying "life isn't fair" I feel that mine is doubly unfair. I want to be selfish and say that I'd like Myriam to live here, but I honestly don't mind what happens. I don't care where, just as long as it's with her.

It's 7:04am now, I feel no better for writing this and I am still coughing my head off. I'm going to the hospital this afternoon to get some surgical insoles made and other than that I'm going to make a pasta bake for lunch (hopefully) and have a huge glass of iced tea. I might ask Myriam to get me some of the Lipton To Go sachets and send them over, so that I have iced tea whenever I want.

I love you Myriam, even if I have difficulty showing it at times and right now, I miss you. It feels like I have a hole in my chest that I can't fill no matter how hard I try.